It's All Part of the Plan

I wish people would lay off me about my alcoholism and understand that it’s all part of the plan. If I don’t drink myself into oblivion now, how will I emerge as the hottest up-and-coming recovery comic ten years from now? You have to have a really wicked life altering addiction if you want to have a triumphant return to sobriety, right? You’re also going to need a lot of cool and crazy stories if you want to be a great comedian, and what better way to get those stories than getting shitfaced in public on a regular basis? You know who has no cool stories? People who have always been sober.

Not that I am running short of crazy stories. My life is full of crazy stories. Shit you wouldn’t believe. I found a human foot on a beach once and that’s not even the weirdest shit that has ever happened to me. But if I’m going to tell my crazy stories about all the crazy shit I’ve been through, I have to look the part of a person who’s been through some shit. Which is why I wish people would lay off me about smoking cigarettes. It’s all part of the plan. Nothing gives you that “I’ve been through some shit” look like a pack of Newport 100’s a day. I want my comedy to be true and real and believable. I want my face to convey as much crazy shit as my stories do. You know who looks like they really haven't been through shit? People who have always been sober nonsmokers.

Why don’t you get off my back about working out and eating healthy too. I love cheese and meat and beer and laying around playing video games. This is all part of the plan. If you don’t get fat and old and out of shape, you can never get skinny and fit and look years younger. You have to get old and fat if you ever want to get young and skinny. People love a comeback. It’s all part of the plan. You have to amaze people with your discipline when you decide to get healthy. You know who never amazes people with their discipline? People who have always been sober nonsmoking vegan fitness experts.

Now some people may argue that if I continue down this path I will never get the chance to make these incredibly impressive transformations, because I’ll be dead. That’s a good point, but it shows you really don’t understand the plan. Dying is plan B and just as valid a plan as plan A. It’s all part of the plan. You can either destroy yourself and collect unbelievable tales and tell them with your old rugged “I’ve been through some shit” face, or you can die relatively young, in which case EVERYONE will love you. No one loves anyone more than a person who dies young. No one gets more famous than a person who dies young. No one is remembered as fondly, no one is as eternally beautiful, no one is mourned and no one is missed as much as a person who dies young. And you know who never dies young? People who have always been sober nonsmoking vegan fitness experts who worry about dying young.

So please, get off my drinking, smoking, overeating, lazy, dying ass. It’s all part of the plan people, it’s all part of the plan.