Boyfriend Application

Last time I logged on to Myspace, I saw this bulletin entitled BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND APPLICATION. I clicked on it against my better judgment and found this gem:


EVEN iF YoU HAVe A BOyFRiEND OR GIRlFRiEnD- REPoST THiS!
SEE HoW MAnY PEOpLE SeND THiS BAcK TO YoU!
Ladies Title it "Boyfriend Application"
Guys Title it "Girlfriend Application"

1. Your Name:
2. Age:
3. Fave Color:
4. Whats your sign?
5. Location:
6. Height:
7.Hair (color and style):
8.Piercings/tattoos:

HERE COMES THE FUN ...

I’ll spare you most of “The Fun”, but just to give you an idea these are some of the FUN questions this application includes:

1. Are we friends?
2. Do you have a crush on me?
3. Would you kiss me?
4. ...with tongue?

What Do You Think Of My...?

1. Personality:
2. Eyes:
3. Face:
4. Hair:

W0ULD Y0U...

give me your number?_______________
kiss me?
watch a movie with me?
give me a piggyback ride?

It just goes on and on. This is a stupid application, but it gave me a great idea. A boyfriend application could really help me avoid ever making the same dating mistakes I’ve made in the past. With that in mind, I came up with this very brief application. Please let me know what you think, I’m making a Match.com page.


AmY’S BOyFRIeND ApPlICaTIoN:

1. Do you do dishes?
2. Can you change a flat tire?
3. Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/other thing you’re smashing on the side? (If yes to any, please see * below)
4. How do you feel about having a job? (If anything other than “I love having a job”, please see * below)
5. Are you going to leave me for Jesus? (If yes, please see ** below)
6. Who is your favorite comedian? (If Robin Williams, please see * and ** below)
7. Do you have freakish looking toes and bad toenails? (If yes, that’s ok I just don’t want to be caught off guard)
8. How many action figures do you play with in the bath tub? (If anything other than “zero”, please see * below)
9. Are you into “The Dark Arts”? (If yes, please see ** below)
10. Do you enjoy going in the other room sometimes and watching some sports or something and leaving your girl the hell alone? (If no, please see * below)

* You do not qualify for this position but thank you for your participation.
** Jesus loves you. He wants you to get laid. You’re doing it wrong.



ThANkS FoR REaDiNG

Advice from Aunt Amy

My niece Shayla is one year old, and as I gaze upon her tiny innocent face, I am very worried for her future. One day she will start talking to boys in a more than friendly way, and the thought of her heart being broken breaks my heart even now. I’m also thinking that it’s very possible that I may not be around by the time she is of dating age, so I would like to offer this advice to her now, to be shared with her later in case of my demise. Hopefully this advice from Aunt Amy will help my little Shayla avoid ending up like me, a thirty year old bitter cat lady.

Shayla, Aunt Amy has made a lot of mistakes. I want you to learn from these mistakes. I will try to make it brief for you. Here are the most important things you should know:

1. Be smart, but not too smart.

Guys don’t like a girl with too much going on upstairs. It’s ok to be smart, and I would prefer that you strive to be smart, but just try to not be so smart around the men. Wait until they put that ring on your finger, then you can show them how smart you are. Before that just smile and nod or you can kiss that ring goodbye. That’s why Aunt Amy is single sweetheart; it’s because she’s a genius.

2. Don’t talk too much or have too many opinions.

That’s a major turn-off. Just agree and quote the bible a lot. Guys eat that shit up. Those girls always get married. Decorate yourself and look pretty. Don’t talk or trust me you won’t get a call back. That’s why Aunt Amy is single darling; it’s because she doesn’t know when to shut up.

3. Don’t tell a guy how you feel about him.

There will come a time when you will meet a guy who will make your stomach hurt, your heart ache and your palms sweat. If you tell him about those feelings however, you will never see him again. If you like a guy, just grab his penis. That’s the only thing that men care to understand. That’s why Aunt Amy is single dear; too much feeling sharing and not enough penis grabbing.

4. If a guy only contacts you after midnight, he is never going to make you his girlfriend.

I know what I said about the penis grabbing, but don’t do it after midnight if that’s the only time a guy ever calls. Aunt Amy has made the mistake of confusing lust with love, and it never works out well. He’s not going to make you his girlfriend, because he probably has one at home. That’s why Aunt Amy is single honey; penis grabbing after midnight.

One last piece of advice for you my love, you really shouldn’t take dating advice from 30 year old bitter cat ladies. Love you.

You Scratch My Hack I'll Scratch Yours

I’ve been doing comedy for a little over two years now, which means I’m relatively still a baby in the business. Perhaps my infancy can explain why I don’t really understand what goes on in this business, and why I don’t really care to. When I first started doing comedy, it was because of an innate need to make people laugh, and I guess I assumed that that was the driving force behind every comedic act I have ever seen. I have come to learn that this is not really the case. For many comedians, it is very much about ego and money, with no regard to whether or not anything is actually achieving the purpose of comedy as I see it: to make people see the reality and the absurdity of life, while at the same time taking the bitter edge off of it with a good laugh. I’m not saying I don’t ever want to make money with comedy, but I am definitely saying that if that means sacrificing what comedy really means to me, I’d much rather stick to my day job.

The thing that really got me thinking about all of this was an advice article from a seasoned comic which stated that comedy is “a you scratch my back I’ll scratch yours” business, and that if you have booked a friend on a show more than twice and they have not booked you, you should find some new friends and discontinue booking that person. I have a problem with that line of thinking for a few reasons.

First of all, I appreciate every gig I get. Even the non-paying ones. I appreciate them because I feel like anyone who would book me on their show must think I’m funny, and I like that quality in a person. I do not ever want to be booked on a show because someone is looking to get booked on my show. In fact, I find that insulting. I just want to be a good writer and I want to make people laugh because laughing feels good. I’m sure I will probably lose gigs for saying this, but that’s ok because I really don’t need that extra pressure. I am not a producer, or a host, and I am not running for mayor. I just want to make people laugh.

Another reason this bothers me is because it seems like no one cares about the integrity of a comedy show, or of the comedians. Should I book someone just because they have booked me in the past, even though I know the crowd would not understand this person? Should I give up caring about putting on a good show where both comic and audience would be satisfied just because I’m hoping for more in return? Should I place the comedian in a position where I know he/she will be destroyed and place the audience in a position where there is no way in hell they will be entertained? What is the point of that? If the point is to put an extra couple of dollars in the pockets of people I consider to be friends, or in my own, I’ll pass. Those extra couple of dollars may fill your pocket, but they will not fill the emptiness felt by comic and audience member alike after an extremely bad show. That may sound a little dramatic, but it’s true. No one likes to bomb, and no one likes to watch anyone bombing. Doing what’s right for the room should be first priority, because when you do what’s right for the room you are doing something good for the comics and for the audience, not just for yourself.


Finally, I have to ask, what if you just don’t think the person who booked you in the past is funny? Are you supposed to refuse gigs from them because you never plan on booking them on your own show? What if they are clearly stealing material from other comics? Are you supposed to scratch their back then? For me, that would be like scratching the hairy pimply back of an unemployed fat man who lives with his mom. It just doesn’t pay for anyone. His back would hurt afterwards and I’d just be disgusted.

I know I have a lot to learn when it comes to the business of comedy, and when it comes to comedy in general, but I really hope I will someday be able to look back on my career and say that I did the right thing while I was in it and I don’t have any regrets. I’d much rather be in the position to do that than in the position where I hate comedy and I hate other comedians because of the bad choices I’ve made. I already hate life because of the bad choices I’ve made, and comedy is supposed to be fun…right?

How 'Bout Just Jeans and a T-Shirt?

I was talking to a comic friend the other night about his struggles with getting booked for shows and we came to the conclusion that one of his problems may be that while he is very handsome and very funny, he is also one of many hundreds of handsome funny white guys with facial hair trying to make it in the world of comedy, purely on good clever jokes. This is a big problem because while an audience may enjoy you and even remember your jokes later, they probably won’t remember exactly who you were or which jokes were yours, because you looked almost exactly the same as the eight other comics they saw perform that night. A conversation after the show might go like this:

“That one guy was so funny.”

“Which guy?”

“The white guy with the beard and the flannel shirt. The one with the Monopoly joke.”

“Oh you mean the one that went second?”

“No I think he went sixth or eighth.”

“Oh I don’t know who you mean. The Indian guy was hysterical though, right?”

“Yeah he was. What a catchy name too; Mandeep Mandoop. We should Google him and ask him to perform at our gigantic high-paying gig where thousands of our friends who love to laugh will be in attendance.”

See? That’s bad, and it’s kind of unfair. It’s hard to get by in comedy these days purely on joke quality. I have to admit and acknowledge that it is also unfair that I get gigs because I have boobs, but I digress. My friend and I decided that perhaps a change of wardrobe might help him distinguish himself, and that is what led me write this note.

I spent some time online today checking out today’s fashions for men to see if I could find anything my friend might be able to pull off, and I have to share what I found with you, in the same way that a friend must share the putrid rotting smell they found in the basement with you. I have never been a big fan of high fashion in general and I have certainly never explored men’s high fashion, and what I found in the Fashion Week Spring 2010 Milan/Paris collections reminded me why. Let’s begin.

This is a denim tube-top ensemble by Jean Paul Gaultier. This is for girls. The bracelets and rings are also for girls. This outfit was included in the wrong collection. Because it’s for girls.

This monstrosity is from the Vivienne Westwood collection. And by collection I mean shit she collected in her attic for the last thirty years and decided to throw on some poor metro-sexual because she ran out of ideas. Too many bags and not enough coordination asshole. This looks homeless.

This ensemble by Dolce and Gabbana can be worn for a leisurely walk in the park or for an important chain mail repair assignment. It’s so versatile. If you’re completely bat-shit crazy.

Come on Bernard Wilhelm. I mean come on. The PCP is hurting your creativity not helping it. Please get help. Please.

In conclusion, I think I may have been wrong about my friend needing to heighten his image through fashion. He may have to work that much harder on his jokes and on networking to get past the homogenization of the comedy industry, but at least he won’t be wearing a tube top or dried grass on his face. Just stick to the jeans and t-shirts guys, we love you, and clearly fashion hates your guts.

What a Guy Means

Man oh man some guys are full of crap. It's really hard to decipher the true meaning in some of the bullshit things they say. I've come up with this handy little guide to help my fellow single women figure out what a man really means when he opens his fat lying mouth. Please feel free to add any I might have missed.

A man says: "I really wish I could see you more". He means: "You're ok, but not really worth the effort of seeing more."

He says: "It was only a one time thing". He means: "So far I've only had one opportunity to bang her."

He says: "I only do (insert name of drug) every once in a while". He means: "I'm a crackhead."

He says: "I would never sleep with her!" He means: "I've had sexual relations with her and a donkey was involved."

He says: "I'm all about honesty". He means: "I lie even when there is video evidence."

He says: "I don't care about material things." He means: "I'm broke."

Jaded? Yes. Bitter? Absolutely. True? Unfortunately. Hope this helps you out in your quest for love and understanding.

Facebook Faux Pas

I know not everyone is a fan of my Facebook statuses. In fact, judging by the number of people who delete me every day, I think it’s fair to say I annoy and/or piss people off on a fairly regular basis. In my own defense, I would like to say that most of the time I try to post things that I find funny, or at least are the result of some original thought. I understand that some people don’t really like that, and that’s fine, because there are lots of things I also dislike when it comes to Facebook statuses. I would like to outline some of them here for you, dear readers, in hopes of encouraging more original thought, and less of, well, the following:

1. Status Message Overload. If you are posting fifteen or more status messages a day, you have a severe problem and it may be time for you to step away from the internet for a while. I don’t know if it’s internet addiction or acute narcissism that you are suffering from, but in either case, it’s obnoxious, and there is help available. We just don’t need to know every single thought that goes through your head throughout the day. Try taking a walk, reading a book, or taking up a hobby. Any one of those might help. Just please, please don’t tell us about it.



2. Too Much Information. I know it may be very personally satisfying to tell everyone that a girl gave you an STD as a way to get back at her, but what you may not realize is that at the same time you are telling everyone that you have an STD. Bottom line is, it’s not nice to post personal jabs at others, and it will probably make you look like more of an ass than that person. Other personal things we don’t need to hear about: Your menstrual cycle. Bodily functions of any kind. Your sexual exploits. Just use common sense on this one. Assuming of course that common sense still exists



3. Boring Everyone to Tears. Ok, we got it. You hate Mondays, you love Fridays, it sucks when the weekend comes to an end and boy do you hate rain. You’re eating a sandwich. You’re walking up a flight of stairs. You’re watching TV. Know what we’re doing? Cutting ourselves for entertainment. Please. Please. Make it stop.



4. Being A Racist Asshole. I understand your hatred of white people. Here’s the thing. I’m white, and we’ve been friends for twenty years or more, and you have decided to add me on Facebook. If white people as a whole are that horrible, just go ahead and delete me, because I have no control over my own race, what my ancestors did or what some ignorant fuck may currently be doing. This also goes for racists in general who choose to spout their boorish bullshit all over Facebook. If you hate black people, bye bye. If you hate Asians, adios. If you hate Hispanics, go fuck yourself, because I can’t think of a word for goodbye that starts with an H.



5. Referring to Yourself in the Third Person. Amy thinks that people who refer to themselves in the third person are weird and kind of creepy. She thinks that that is behavior that is indicative of schizophrenia. She would like you to cut it out.

Some of you may disagree with some of my thoughts here, and will most likely delete me after reading this. Before you do that, I would just like to say, Thank you, and enjoy your sandwich.