I Am Not a Female Comedian

I know what you’re thinking. This is going to be another rant about the Adam Corolla “women aren’t funny” circus.

You’re only kind of right.

I wanted to write specifically about Adam Corolla and I had written an outline last night to do just that, but I was tired and decided to write the blog tomorrow (today). By the time I got home from work today there were already 9,999,999 articles written on the topic. In less than 24 hours the topic had been beat to the ground worse than Rodney King (Too soon? Or in this case would it be too late? God I’m a horrible person). Anyway, that’s what I get for having a day job.

The truth is though; this is bigger than Adam Corolla or any other single comedian who ever said women aren’t funny. There seems to be a recent boom in “women aren’t funny” sentiment, and the majority of comments I see from women on these articles seem to blame men for everything that makes it difficult to be a woman in comedy. While historically that may have been true, and women are still not equal to men in American society in general, I have to say that I don’t think women are helping their cause these days. It’s not because I don’t think women are funny, that’s obviously not that case. I make myself laugh on a daily basis. It’s not because I don’t think men are pigs. I know better than that. It’s because women continue to group themselves and to allow themselves to be grouped into a certain category known as “female comedians”.

More and more I am seeing articles about “The 15 Funniest Women of the 21st Century” and “10 Funny Ladies you Should be Following on Twitter” and “5 New Comedy Shows Starring Female Comedians”. Most of these articles are written by women, who obviously think they are helping matters by pointing out the fact that there are funny females out there. I disagree. I don’t think it helps at all. What it does do is separate women into a particular group, essentially saying “we’re different from you!!” in big bold red letters. You will never see an article entitled “The 10 Funniest Male Comedians of 2012”. That article would just be called “The Ten Funniest Comedians of 2012”, (and they would probably all be male). Women are inadvertently taking themselves out of the group “comedians” and placing themselves into the group “female comedians”.

Group psychology is an amazing phenomenon that most people may not even realize exists. I found one interesting and comprehensive article about it called “Essentials of Group Psychology” on PsyBlog.com. While I don’t want to pick apart every relevant piece of this article (it can be found here and isthere are several relevant pieces http://www.spring.org.uk/2009/09/how-groups-form-conform-then-warp-our-decision-making-productivity-and-creativity.php )and how it relates to women being grouped in comedy, I do want to touch on a few points.

“The seeds of group behaviour are sown even before its members meet. Just knowing that some people are on 'our side' and others are not begins to shape our social identity. Group affiliation soon grows even stronger, though, bending our behaviour further, if we undergo an initiation rite” (i.e. getting on stage?) “Once we are in a group it starts to shape us through conformity, pulling our attitudes and behaviour in line with others, threatening us with ostracism if we dare to rebel and, when facing rival groups, firing our competitive spirit.” In other words, being a part of a group changes the way we think about ourselves and about others not in our group. This goes for men and women. By grouping comedians and labeling them “male” and “female”, we are automatically creating a psychological divide and ultimately a rivalry.

Another interesting point the author makes has to do with decision making in groups. “Unfortunately psychologists have found that groups suffer all kinds of biases and glitches that lead to poor choices…because group members are often very similar in background and values they are quick to adopt majority decisions. Psychologists call this groupthink. We can combat groupthink by nurturing authentic dissent. This is no mean feat as dissenters are often shunned because of the challenge they present. Support for dissenters needs to come from leaders”. “…people are likely to display group polarization when together: initial preferences actually become exaggerated by group discussions. We can reduce this by avoiding homogeneity in group composition.”

“WE CAN REDUCE THIS BY AVOIDING HOMOGENEITY IN GROUP COMPOSITION”. We can avert polarization, bias and silly herd behavior simply by not allowing ourselves to be grouped in this way. We can take away the power we keep giving every time a member of the man group belittles a member of the female group and we all go apeshit. Stop all the “funniest females” bullshit. Next time someone calls you a “funny female comedian”, say thanks, but I’m not a female comedian. I’m a comedian. Next time someone like Adam Corolla says that women aren’t funny, say to yourself “I am a woman second, and a comedian first. This does not apply to me. What else is going on in the world?” And next time someone books you on an “all-female” comedy show, take that spot, because that’s valuable stage time. Don’t be an asshole. Get up on that stage at that all-female show and make the audience piss their pants with laughter, because you are a comedian, and that’s what you do, and that’s what I’ll do at Broadway Comedy Club on June 29th on the Men-All-Pause all-female comedy show. (Dissent takes time people. It takes time.)

UPDATE

I will not be appearing at Broadway Comedy on June 29th. Here is a letter I got from the pro-douche-er of the show shortly after posting this blog:

Dear Ms. Carlson,

It has been brought to my attention that you have written an article that mentions the “Me...n All Pause” comedy show which could potentially cast the production in a disparaging light.

As Executive Producer of the event, and President of the company that is financing the show I can not in good faith allow you to participate in a Sol-Caritas event intended to forward the value of all comics, especially exceptional female stand-up artists, after such an inflammatory blog was posted days before the event. We take great pride in all our events. Our reputation speaks for itself. The “Men All Pause” creates a platform that Sol-Caritas fully intends to extend to all comics at venues throughout the nation. We adamantly promote all fresh, untapped talent that otherwise go overlooked, or are not offered the opportunity to showcase their material at well known comedy clubs. When I was presented the line-up, each of the comics was described as talented, progressive, clever, accomplished artists in New York . The fact that they were all professional female artists simply made the ensemble even more stellar.

You are certainly entitled to your opinion. However, your decision to publicly decry a show you enthusiastically agreed to be part of days before the production is scheduled to debut and promote it as just another shot at “valuable stage time” undermines the value of our event and 6-fellow comics. It saddens me that you ultimately cast down women you purport to respect as professionals by suggesting their show is nothing more than another form of homogeneity.

Sol-Caritas and “Men All Pause” do not seek to “conform” or “divide”. We strive to elevate, encourage, and inspire. Unify where there would otherwise be a rivalry. Create a “network” that could advance the careers of talented artists. Until the industry’s finest comics, male and female, can claim a reputation where their name alone opens doors and commands sold-out arenas, any opportunity to work at creating that “name” should be appreciated, not maligned.

Thank you for your kind consideration. I wish you the best in your future endeavors.

Sincerely, Carlos Wallace President/CEO Sol-Caritas.com

"This is no mean feat as dissenters are often shunned because of the challenge they present."

This "comedy producer" did not recognize that my closing remark was a tongue-in-cheek PLUG for his show. How disappointing. This is who's booking comedy shows. Self-aggrandizing douche nozzles with zero sense of humor who seek to stifle free speech. The next day, he went on to explain to me what comedy is and what it isn't (of course, having never stepped foot on-stage himself), and to tell me I was a foolish little girl who should know when to keep my mouth shut. More on this later. For now, please enjoy this screen shot of Carlos Wallace "uplifting women" on his Facebook page.

Five Lesser-Known Superheroes Every Kid Should Know

The (fairly) recent popularity of movies based on Marvel and DC comics has left me feeling rather empty. I know I’m a little late on this, but I only recently saw the Green Lantern and Thor, which I thought were visually stunning, and The Dark Knight, which, while morbidly interesting, I felt was a little overrated. I haven’t and probably won’t see any of the X-Men series since I never even got into them as a kid, and the Spiderman movies, for me, are a little boring. I have no desire at all to see Iron Man or Captain America.

All of these movies seem to have one thing in common: super-fit, super-attractive, super-similar superheroes. I know, they all struggle with their alternate human identities, (who also happen to be super-fit and super-attractive), and they all have different super powers, but there’s something missing in these superheroes for me, and that’s personality.

These are the top five lesser-known superheroes I think every kid should know, but you probably have never heard of unless you were a child of the 80’s, or are a really giant nerd of the present. These are superheroes who either have no alternate human identity to speak of, or have no struggle with their alternate human identity, accepting their mission without question. They are not necessarily buff or attractive. They don’t necessarily possess superhuman strength or intelligence, but they are superheroes nonetheless. Here they are, in no particular order, as they are all equally awesome.

Bananaman

When wimpy teenager Eric Twinge eats a banana, he is transformed into BANANAMAN! Sure, Bananaman possesses many of the physical characteristics of Marvel and DC superheroes, but without any of the pathetic pussy angst that these heroes face with their transformations. Bananaman can fly, but he also often simply walks on air. He also punishes villains in the worst ways imaginable, like in this episode, where Bananaman punishes Dr. Gloom with a newborn baby. (Side note: Bananaman appeared in the US as a short at the end of Dangermouse, another awesome superhero who unfortunately did not make this list).



Powdered Toast Man

Another superhero only featured as a short, this time on Ren and Stimpy, was one of my personal favorites, Powdered Toast Man. Unlike Batman who had a Hollywood glitz and glamour distress call in the form of a giant, brightly lit logo in the sky, Powdered Toast Man had various distress calls that were more relatable to average people, like his underpants puffing up with gas or a toaster who would page him. Powdered Toast Man didn’t fly like all the other superheroes; he propelled himself through the air backwards, driven by the power of his farts. He also cared about the kids, scraping the back of his toast head and farting to provide them with delicious powdered toast. His weapons included hypercorrosive croutons produced by armpit farts and projectile raisin breath. Check out this episode where Powdered Toast Man saves the Pope, helps the President remove “himself” from his pants zipper, and becomes President himself, employing many of the same tactics as our current politicians.



Mighty Man and Yukk

One of the two duos on this list and also one of only two superheroes on this list with the distinction of having once been their own full-length series, Mighty Man and Yukk distinguished themselves in so many ways. First, Mighty Man was perhaps the only superhero who, as a human, was sharply dressed, fit and handsome (by 1970’s standards) but as a superhero was tiny in size. He got smaller when he was in superhero form, not bigger like those insecure DC and Marvel characters. Yukk, his faithful canine sidekick, was one of my favorite superheroes of all time, because his only power was how god damn ugly he was. Yukk was so ugly he could crack safes with his face. He was so ugly his faced derailed moving elevators. He was so ugly he had to wear a doghouse over his head at all times. Check out this episode of Mighty Man and Yukk where they battle the evil football coach, Coach Crimes (so relevant today), and his evil sidekicks meathead jock and big tittied cheerleader.



The Brown Hornet and Stinger

Another cartoon within a cartoon which never got a full series, The Brown Hornet featured the smooth, calm under pressure lead hero Brown Hornet, voiced by Bill Cosby, and his sidekicks Stinger and Tweeterbell. The Brown Hornet was the favorite superhero of Fat Albert and his Gang, and had simple powers like suction cup shoes, super-strength, flight and fast action. He could control the weather when necessary. The Brown Hornet’s sidekick, Stinger, was not only overweight, he was not afraid to wear pink, and Tweeterbell the robot often got into jams with Stinger which didn’t seem to bother The Brown Hornet in the least. No matter what, The Brown Hornet always remained smiling and confident, unlike those DC and Marvel pussies. Check out this episode where the Brown Hornet warns against the dangers of drinking with really bad verbal animation.



Captain Cave Man

Cavemen get a really bad rap these days. Everyone says they abused women, dragged them by their hair, etc. but how do we know? When I think of cavemen, I don't think of that savage Chris Brown, I think of the world’s first and most cuddly superhero, Captain Caveman; the sweet, caring superhero who had so much love and so many special powers. He, unlike other cavemen, took great care of his bitches without fanfare or God forbid, tears. His “Teen Angels” Dee Dee, Brenda and Taffy were always safe, as he pulled any item he could from his bulbous little body to save them from imminent danger. Captain Caveman was the ultimate pimp, but was so sweet and naive you couldn't hate him for it. Captain Caveman was voiced by Mel Blanc of Bugs Bunny fame, and if there’s one thing I’ll never forget, it’s his call “CAPTAIN CAAAAAAVVVEEE MAAANNN” which usually came right before he crashed into the ground. Captain Caveman was clumsy, unkempt, and not very concerned with grammar and usage. But more than anything, he cared dearly about the three women in his life. He was not at all self-conscious about his pear shape or his incredible hairiness. Here’s a short compilation of Captain Caveman’s amazing feats. (Side note: I couldn't embed this one. You have to copy and paste the link. That's how much of a boss Captain Caveman is).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGd8ZzZ56AU

Hope you enjoyed this list of superheroes who kick Marvel and DC ass. If you didn’t, you’re probably a comedian from the Midwest who lives in Brooklyn, which means you’re never going to like me anyway.

Thanks for reading.

Everybody gets a Trophy

11 out of 14 of these bitches didn't deserve a trophy.

When I was in elementary school, my sister played on a girl’s soccer team. I remember one year when we were really little she played a great game but at the end of the game she didn’t get a trophy, and she left the field in tears of hurt and frustration, as did many of the little girls that day since only the top three girls got trophies. Soon that kind of frustration was never to be felt again by any little girl on the team, because soon it was decided that everybody would get a trophy. This was in the early/mid-eighties and even then I felt like there was something wrong with this practice. If everybody gets a trophy, why should anyone fight to improve? Why try to be the best if the prize will be handed to you anyway? And why should the top players even bother if their accomplishments were now meaningless? But this became the common practice of our generation, the so called “generation Y”; the generation of entitlement, of narcissism, and of reward for mediocrity.


The trophy practice came to mind again last week when I saw all of the outrage from comedians at Eddie Brill’s comments in his New York Times interview. The most inflammatory of his statements, (“There are a lot less female comics who are authentic,” Mr. Brill said. “I see a lot of female comics who to please an audience will act like men.”), has apparently cost him his job as the talent coordinator for David Letterman. Why? Because apparently this meant to female comedians that he is a misogynist who is blocking their chances at getting on Letterman because he hates female comedians. “There were only 22 comedians on Letterman in 2011 and ONLY ONE WAS FEMALE!! KILL EDDIE BRILL!” They screamed. Suddenly every female comedian became a hardcore feminist and every male comedian who hates and envies Brill was laying their sport jacket over puddles for the poor downtrodden ladies. Give me a fuckin break.

Let’s look at some facts. First, there are far less women in comedy than men, which means Eddie sees less women, which means he books less women. Look at the numbers across the comedy board and you will see there are less women than men on EVERY show. Second, David Letterman is a notorious control freak. His studio has to be a certain temperature. He wants only the “best-looking” people seated up front. He is very very particular. It seems implausible that Eddie had free range to book whoever he likes BUT it would make sense that Letterman would hire someone who understands exactly what he wants. That’s called business. Only A-list comedians get on Letterman; old favorites and the very best up-and-comers FOR THAT GENRE. The safe, late-night, network TV genre. I don’t have numbers here but I would be willing to bet that the median age for Letterman viewers these days is 65. They like the old-school comedy style, and obviously Eddie has an old-school comedy way of thinking. Is that entirely fair? No. Is the man doing his job? Yes. Everybody doesn’t get a trophy in comedy, and that’s the way it should be.

When was the last time Letterman launched a career anyway? The answer is never. Letterman is no Johnny Carson. In fact if I got booked on Letterman I really might have to stop and ask myself if I’m fucking boring. I don’t agree with all of Eddie’s statements in that interview but seriously who cares? Why do you care? Did you think you were absolutely ready to do Letterman but Eddie’s misogyny has kept you from it? Again, give me a fuckin break. You’re not ready for Letterman and even if you were, like I said, you’re probably boring anyway, and you’re probably a typical “generation Y” personality. You’re probably also one of the people who complains that “Comedy Central gives a special to EVERYONE these days!” “Caroline’s lets ANYBODY headline these days!” And if you’re complaining about that, you’re right. Everybody shouldn’t get a Comedy Central special. Everybody shouldn’t be able to headline at Caroline’s. Everybody shouldn’t get on Letterman and everybody shouldn’t get a trophy. But you have to choose one or the other, either respect a person who selects according to what he likes, what his boss likes, and what his job requires, or buy into the belief that everyone should get a trophy. You can’t have it both ways.

Here’s probably the biggest kicker for me in the whole scandal: since when are women in comedy so supportive of each other? Get the fuck outta here. Women in comedy treat women in comedy the worst. I can’t tell you how many times I have tried to be friendly with other female comedians at shows only to be snubbed and treated like a piece of dirt. I introduced myself to a female headliner once and told her I loved her work and she responded with a look of disdain saying “Thanks. You have something on your face.” I have had a female booker who books an all female show at a well-known club add me as a friend on Facebook and then ignore my email asking about how she goes about booking but continue to send me invitations to her show. I have had bitches smile in my face and give me some “hey girlfriend” bullshit and then talk shit behind my back about how I did not deserve the work I was getting. I can tell you a million stories, but the bottom line is, how can women expect men to respect them in comedy when we don’t even respect each other? Stop acting like your hatred for Eddie Brill is due to the fact that you’re the bastion for women in comedy. It’s all self-serving bullshit. You’re mad because you didn’t get the trophy.

Finally, I just want to say that I only recently had the opportunity to meet and perform with Eddie Brill, and I just think he’s a good guy. I was nervous about meeting him because I knew who he was and I expected a real dickhead to be behind the name. What I found was that he is a really nice guy who talked comedy with me long after the show was over, and sent me a message the next day to tell me that he had watched my videos, he thought I was funny and he could tell that I love doing what I do, and that I should keep it up. I didn’t ask him to watch my videos or give me any feedback, he took the time to do that, which is more than I can say for most bookers out there who are in a much less prestigious position than Eddie. I’m nobody. I’m female. He wasn’t trying to fuck me and he treated me like a person. The night I met Eddie, I told him it was amazing to meet him because my mom is a big Letterman fan and I used to watch every night with her when I was a kid, and his response was, “Every morning I wake up and I still can’t believe this is my job. It’s amazing.” That’s what you call humble, and it’s a shame that this has unfolded the way it has.

Maybe instead of hanging on to what Eddie said in that stupid interview we should hang on to what Steve Martin said long ago: “Be undeniably funny”. Keep working. If one door closes find another, because there is no one door anymore that leads to a great comedy career. Be undeniably funny. That’s what we all have to work towards. We can even build our own buildings with our own doors. But not everybody gets a trophy in comedy. We will leave the field crying many times, but we can’t accept the “everybody gets a trophy” mentality. Everything is not equal. Everything is not fair. That’s why it’s a challenge. That’s why it’s a game still worth playing and trying to be the best at. No one owes you anything, whether you’re male, female, black, white, Asian or whatever the fuck little island you came from to come tell jokes. Everybody does not get a trophy in comedy, and that’s the way it should be.

Tracy Morgan Sucks But So Do You

On June 4th, average citizen and comedy enthusiast Kevin Rogers wrote a note on Facebook about an anti-gay rant he had seen from Tracy Morgan at what was supposed to be a comedy show. The note has gotten world-wide media attention and has led to public outrage, prompting an apology from Morgan and statements from his coworkers and NBC, all without even seeing a video. While I personally am not a fan of Tracy Morgan’s comedy and I think what he said was incredibly ignorant and unfunny, for me this whole incident highlights what is wrong with society more than it exposes the shocking truth about Tracy Morgan.

To me it seems like this rant was probably a bit that he hadn’t developed yet and threw it out there anyway in its rawest form. When it wasn’t working he probably panicked and got angry and decided to heighten the shock value instead of abandoning the bit. This is purely conjecture of course because again, I haven't seen a video. Comedians see this kind of thing a lot at open mics so they’re probably a little more desensitized to it than non-comedians; that’s why you save that kind of shit for the open mics and you don’t go throw it out to civilians who don’t understand that it’s not necessarily that you’re a hateful person, it’s that you’re a horrible comedian who hasn’t yet learned that shock value has to be balanced by wit and good writing. I’m not saying you shouldn’t take risks, I’m just saying you should choose your risks carefully in this day and age. George Carlin is quoted as having said, “I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately”. In 2011, you’re better off finding out where the line is drawn, drawing another line two feet behind it, and crossing that line. Sorry George. The revolution is over.

In this day and age, free speech isn’t really free. Free speech is free if it is free of hate. And that’s fine I guess. Freedom of speech has to have restrictions because people are too stupid to not be incited by a powerful speaker who uses hate to unite like-minded and weak-minded people. We have to protect society from messages of hate, because society is mostly made up of sheep and savages who will act on them, too dumb to think on their own and too weak to break away from their immediate sphere of influence. Human beings need censorship for the same reason they need religion: because common sense and common decency are not that common and not enough to keep people in line.

Everyone is fucked up. The people complaining about bullying are just as bad as the bullies, and hate is fought with hate. Over the past couple of days I have seen several people condemn Tracy’s rant, calling it bullying and anti-this and that, and then saying things like “He must be mad because he has a girl’s name”. So you’re outraged about bullying and homophobia but you still resort to making fun of a person’s name because it is traditionally used for the opposite sex? I bet when Tracy was in elementary school, it was the kids like you who were bullying him. Kids like you, who would torment a boy for having a “girl’s name” are what create this kind of monster. Many of these same people accuse Tracy of being a closeted homosexual, which I agree he probably is, but I bet if people hadn’t been making fun of his “girl name” and calling him a homosexual all his life he wouldn’t feel the need to be closeted. He wouldn’t be so afraid and ashamed of it.

The rant as it’s described is not even really hateful towards the gay community per-say. He said being gay is a choice. That is an opinion and, in and of itself, not hateful I don’t think. Personally I don’t agree with it but I don’t think there is any conclusive scientific evidence to prove otherwise. He also didn’t say he would like to kill all gays. He didn’t say he would, or you should, kill a gay on the street. He said he would kill his own son if he was gay. Again, ignorant and unfunny, but I don’t think society as a whole would mind so much if he killed his son. America would be obsessed with the scandal and the subsequent trial (please see Casey Anthony). You’d eat that shit up. You would repost it a thousand times on Facebook and use it as an example to support your particular agenda; black-on-black crime, homophobia, self-destructiveness in comedy, whatever it may be. You’d write a blog about it and it would get you lots of attention and accolades. A comedian that very night would go up on stage and tell a joke about it and get an applause break. America loves celebrity scandal and horror more than apple pie with a scoop of vanilla. No one is even that horrified that he said he would kill his own son. They are too preoccupied with the reason why and the fact that it is not politically correct.

NBC released a statement regarding the incident that urged Tracy to educate himself on “why such words have no place in our culture today”, but clearly they do have a place. The blog written by Kevin Rogers that originally brough this to light describes the crowd during Tracy’s rant as responding with “thunderous cheer and ‘You go Tracys’.” So there is an audience for it. The “God don’t make mistakes” thing is a pretty common hardcore Christian belief. There are a lot of people who truly feel this way. Maybe it’s not so much that Tracy Morgan is fucked up, maybe it’s this whole society that’s fucked up. Maybe today, it’s not so much the comedian’s duty to cross that line that was drawn so long ago, it’s the comedian’s duty to hold up a mirror to society and show it just how ugly it has become. And if that’s true, Tracy’s work here is done.

Comedy Conundrum

Be yourself.  Like no one else who has come before you. Like this guy.

I have been so bogged down lately with analyzing, studying, and trying to understand comedy that I have become completely comedically paralyzed, bringing my own creativity to a screeching halt. A big part of the problem is that I read too many blogs and listen to too many podcasts from other comedians and comedy critics, talking endlessly about what comedy is and what it isn’t and what it should and shouldn’t be. The mixed messages from self-proclaimed comedy experts are driving me insane. If I were to take all of the things I’ve heard from said comedy experts and lump them into one conversation, it would go something like this:

Comedy Expert: Just be yourself. Don’t be like anyone who has come before you. Use your personal experiences to be unique. People will accept you if you are honest.

Me: Ok that sounds simple enough.

Comedy Expert: Just be honest. Be true to yourself. Like Carlin or Pryor or Hicks.

Me: So I should be like Carlin Pryor or Hicks? You just said don’t be like anyone else.

Comedy Expert: No you should be like them. But don’t curse a lot. Be conversational. Just do what you think is funny without the cursing.

Me: But all three of them cursed a lot. And you said I should be myself and conversational. I curse a lot in regular conversation.

Comedy Expert: Well you don’t want it to look like a crutch. Also you’ll never get into clubs or on TV if you’re cursing all the time.

Me: But you said people would accept me if I’m honest and true to myself.

Comedy Expert: Yeah but you’re a woman. Vulgar women are a big turnoff. Speaking of which, don’t ever talk about farts or anything like that.

Me: But sometimes farts are funny to me. Even babies laugh at farts. Farts are innately funny. You said I should do what I think is funny.

Comedy Expert: You have to go deeper than that. Talk about something that has really affected you. But stay away from relationships. Every female comic talks about relationships.

Me: But relationships really have affected me.

Comedy Expert: Just avoid it. You have to find your inner voice. You don’t want to be like anyone else.

Me: Ok.

Comedy Expert: But don’t get too dark. You’re bumming the audience out with that shit.

Me: But I’ve been through a lot of dark things. What I’m saying is true. I want to talk about it.

Comedy Expert: People will think you’re just trying to be edgy. Just stick to lighter stuff.

Me: Like farts?

Comedy Expert: No. Now you’re just trying to be funny. Don’t try to be funny just be yourself and let the funny come from within. And stop wearing tight shit and showing cleavage. You’re here to tell jokes not make dicks hard.

Me: But this is how I always dress. If I wear baggy clothes I feel like I look fatter.

Comedy Expert: Oh my God no DO NOT wear baggy clothes. You don’t wanna look like a dyke up there or some kind of hipster idiot.

Me: So I shouldn’t wear tight OR baggy clothes?

Comedy Expert: Look Amy, what I’m trying to tell you is just be yourself. Don’t be like anyone who has come before you. Use your personal experiences to be unique. People will accept you if you are honest.

This is maddening. I don’t know what’s right anymore. The double standards and self-doubt have rendered me creatively impotent. I think one thing I definitely have to do is simply stop paying attention to what people say, but that’s so difficult for me because I want to get good at this. I love comedy, I want to study it. I live for it and I’m obsessed with it. I want to be a good student but the text book is fucked up and the professors are egomaniacs. Not to mention class never starts on time. I don’t have a solution to this right now, so there won’t be any clean tied up ending to this blog. I guess you could call this the unclean, untidy end.

Speaking of unclean untidy ends, did I ever tell you about my ex-boyfriend who used to shit his pants every time he farted?

Thom Yorke...In Bed

Check it out! I was asked by Playboy Magazine's website thesmokingjacket.com to write about what it might be like to bang Radiohead's Thom Yorke based on his dance moves in their new video for the song Lotus Flower. It's really interesting to see the different female points of view on this. Personally I would never bang this guy but apparently not everyone feels that way. They would probably never bang the guys I have banged either. To each her own! Enjoy!

http://www.thesmokingjacket.com/humor/thom-yorke-dancing

Comedy Can Suck My Dick

This week has been one of extreme highs and extreme lows for me comedy wise. It started with a high on Saturday night when I performed on a show in my home town of New Rochelle. I was so sure I was going to bomb when I saw the crowd of mostly middle-aged upper class money types, but I ended up killing and the adrenaline was unbelievable. I never thought I would be able to get through to a crowd like this, but I did and I felt like I had really achieved something. Even if it was a small victory, it felt great and I remembered why I love doing this for a moment.

The next night was my audition for the Montreal Just for Laughs festival at Broadway Comedy Club. This was the first time I had ever auditioned for anything other than late-night club spots, and to say I had a lot of anxiety would be a tremendous understatement. I actually threw up four times before I left the house. I used to be petrified at the thought of having to perform anything longer than a ten minute set. This time I had five minutes, and narrowing my set down to my “best” five minutes seemed impossible. I knew I had to establish my character right away, and I definitely failed at doing that. I think the audience could feel my discomfort and nervousness and it did not go over well. I was so embarrassed that I had not done well in front of the other comedians, a few of whom I already know have said nasty things about me behind my back, and that I had let down the people who referred me to get me into the audition. I left the club feeling sick and upset and questioning again why I do this, and why I give a fuck about it at all.

The next night I took the bullet spot at a show at a hookah lounge in Queens. I had decided that I was sick of my set and sick of hearing myself tell the same jokes so I would try to go off the cuff. It didn’t work. They hated me, I got heckled and a couple of people even talked loudly on their phones in a foreign language straight through my set. I still had fun though and it didn’t upset me much, because the other comics on the show were old friends who I respect and like a great deal, and I knew it didn’t change their opinion of me that I didn’t do well. After what I had been through the night before it was very comforting to be around genuine friends who wouldn’t judge me, and I remembered what it was like to just be a comic among comics and a friend among friends.

I spent most of Monday drinking brandy and crying.

Tuesday was my birthday and another small victory came in the form of Lisa Lampanelli’s discontent. My mom, who has been a loyal Howard Stern listener since the early 80’s, heard Lisa on Howard talking about how disappointed she was that one of her favorite jokes was edited out of her Comedy Central special. The joke was the one about the chimp in Connecticut, and it’s a joke that I know all too well, because I wrote it and it was stolen from me and given to her, and she had told me I couldn’t use it anymore around this time last year. I was thrilled to hear that she was upset and that the joke was cut. It was all I could have asked for in a birthday present, and I remembered how silly I was to have gotten so upset over one joke that didn’t even end up making the cut.

What happened next is pretty ironic. Just as I was reeling with glee over the defeat of a joke thief, I received a message from Patrick at Cringe Humor asking me to call him. When I got him on the phone, he reluctantly told me that one of my jokes was actually an old Roseanne Barr joke, and a fellow female comic had alerted him to it that day. The joke is not only an integral part of my act because it powerfully establishes my character early on in my set, but it was also a joke that was prominently featured in the video Patrick had recently released of me as part of the Cringe Humor Comics to Watch series. I felt like I had been punched in the cunt.

There are so many things about this that bother me. First, the joke for me is not just a joke, it’s something that actually happened to me. The joke in question goes like this when I say it: “I asked a good male friend of mine, ‘what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just get a man?’ He told me it’s because I’m masculine and aggressive. I was like ‘SUCK MY DICK! That’s not the reason’!” The male friend was Slava Yaryshkin, and the conversation that inspired that joke went almost exactly like that, but Roseanne’s joke also goes almost exactly like that – “People say to me, ‘You’re not feminine.’ Well, they can just suck my dick.”

I have read many articles and blogs about linear thought in comedy and I thought I had really done my homework when it came to avoiding something like this. Every time I write a joke, I google every word and combination of words contained within the joke to make sure it hasn’t been done before (which by the way is why I try not to blame myself too much for not being a more prolific writer – pretty much everything has been said before in some way at this point). I thought I had made sure I would never be in a position where I would have to defend an accusation of joke theivery. Now I find myself in a position where I’m asking myself, how many people recognized this as a Roseanne bit and never bothered to say anything to me, choosing instead to simply write me off as a theif? Have I lost bookings because of this joke? Can I reword the joke sufficiently to make it my own again while still keeping the character establishing punch in it or should I just drop it altogether? Could I be any more fucking humiliated by the fact that Patrick now had to edit that joke out of my Cringe Humor video and repost a new video hoping no one notices?

I only know the answer to the last question. I could not be any more fucking humiliated. The humiliation at the Montreal audition, at the hookah lounge, and every single day in middle school when all the other girls had bras and I didn’t cannot compare to the humiliation I feel right now. I’m sure eventually I will move on and let the joke go, just like I did with the one that was stolen from me this time last year, and this too shall pass, but as I lay my drunken and defeated head on my pillow tonight I will not think one more second about comedy. For tonight, and I’m sure for many more nights to come, comedy can suck my dick.