I'm sick of verbal fads. I'm sick of "Hey girlfriend!" and "sigh" and "for realzies". I'm sick of "redic" and "presh" and "adorbs" and "DONEZO!" I'm sick of people "gettin' it in". I'm sick of "swagger". I'm sick of hash tags. I'm sick of auto-tune and auto-correct. I'm sick of exclamation points. I'm sick of people wearing winter scarves knotted around their necks with no coat on. I'm sick of Oprah. I'm sick of Snooki. I'm sick of self-promotion and self-hatred. I'm sick of Self Magazine. I'm sick of cliques and circle-jerks and dick sucking and hierarchies. I'm sick of sunshine blowers and rainbow fuckers. I'm sick of the comics in the back of the room. I'm sick of people asking me to do things for them without saying good morning first. I'm sick of people saying good morning just because they're about to ask me to do something for them. I'm sick of "I'm good, how are you?" I'm sick of people consuming everything and appreciating nothing. I’m sick of Walmart. I’m sick of Glee. I'm sick of racists complaining about racism. I'm sick of fake friends, fake family and fake meat. . I'm sick of my ugly face. I'm sick of your ugly face. I’m sick of Facebook activism. I'm sick of people worshipping sports teams and celebrities. I'm sick of your god being real and their god being fake. I'm sick of sheep. I'm sick of recycling, reusing and reducing. I'm sick of comfortable illusions. I'm sick of HOLLYWOOD BLOCKBUSTER EVENTS! and writer's block and H & R Block. I'm sick of your opinion and I'm sick of caring about it. I'm sick of you judging me while you read this. I'm sick of Judge Judy, Judge Hatchett and Judge Mathis. If Judge Reinhold were still around, I’m sure I'd be sick of him too.
But I’m not sick of the snow. Oh no, I’m not sick of the snow.
Jan 27, 2011
Jan 15, 2011
What Comedians Say and What They Really Mean
Trying to navigate the comedy scene can be a daunting task. Along the way you will make friends and enemies, and sometimes it can be really hard to tell which is which. In an effort to help you figure out what you’re really dealing with when talking to comedians, I have outlined below five common things you may hear a comedian say, and what they really mean. I hope this short guide will help you along your glorious comedy journey.
They say: “So where you been getting up?”
They mean: “I would like to judge you based on where you get up, how often, and who with. I would also like to compare my own schedule with yours and pat myself on the back for getting up more than you at better venues with better people.”
They say: “That’s a good room to work stuff out.”
They mean: “That’s a shit room that’s not going to get you anywhere so you might as well throw in some new stuff since you have nothing to lose. Man you get shitty gigs.”
They say: “Nice! How’d you get that gig?”
They mean: The difference here is on the emphasis of the word “you”. They say, “How’d you get that gig?” They mean, “How’d YOU get that gig?” They may also mean, “Who can I pester endlessly using your name in order to get this gig for myself?” Sometimes it is a combination of both.
They say: “I really want to have you on my show but my co-producer does all the booking and he/she doesn’t know you.”
They mean: “I hate you. You suck and I would never allow you to ruin my show which I produce myself.”
They say: “It’s just a bunch of open mic-ers.”*
They mean: “It’s just a bunch of people who are beneath me. I have forgotten where I came from and I have no respect for people who need to ‘practice’ or who like to ‘socialize’. I am quite satisfied with my mediocre set that hasn’t changed one iota in six years because it’s just that perfect. I can walk into the Comedy Cellar and try out some new shit any time; I just don’t because like I said my set is perfect as-is. I also spit on old people on the subway to make them give up their seat.”
*That last one really says a lot about the type of person you’re dealing with. While some of the previous four quotes may be said in a sincere manner and not in the jaded way in which I take them, if you hear a comedian say that last one, I am correct in their meaning if they say any of the other four.
They say: “So where you been getting up?”
They mean: “I would like to judge you based on where you get up, how often, and who with. I would also like to compare my own schedule with yours and pat myself on the back for getting up more than you at better venues with better people.”
They say: “That’s a good room to work stuff out.”
They mean: “That’s a shit room that’s not going to get you anywhere so you might as well throw in some new stuff since you have nothing to lose. Man you get shitty gigs.”
They say: “Nice! How’d you get that gig?”
They mean: The difference here is on the emphasis of the word “you”. They say, “How’d you get that gig?” They mean, “How’d YOU get that gig?” They may also mean, “Who can I pester endlessly using your name in order to get this gig for myself?” Sometimes it is a combination of both.
They say: “I really want to have you on my show but my co-producer does all the booking and he/she doesn’t know you.”
They mean: “I hate you. You suck and I would never allow you to ruin my show which I produce myself.”
They say: “It’s just a bunch of open mic-ers.”*
They mean: “It’s just a bunch of people who are beneath me. I have forgotten where I came from and I have no respect for people who need to ‘practice’ or who like to ‘socialize’. I am quite satisfied with my mediocre set that hasn’t changed one iota in six years because it’s just that perfect. I can walk into the Comedy Cellar and try out some new shit any time; I just don’t because like I said my set is perfect as-is. I also spit on old people on the subway to make them give up their seat.”
*That last one really says a lot about the type of person you’re dealing with. While some of the previous four quotes may be said in a sincere manner and not in the jaded way in which I take them, if you hear a comedian say that last one, I am correct in their meaning if they say any of the other four.
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