I wish people would lay off me about my alcoholism and understand that it’s all part of the plan. If I don’t drink myself into oblivion now, how will I emerge as the hottest up-and-coming recovery comic ten years from now? You have to have a really wicked life altering addiction if you want to have a triumphant return to sobriety, right? You’re also going to need a lot of cool and crazy stories if you want to be a great comedian, and what better way to get those stories than getting shitfaced in public on a regular basis? You know who has no cool stories? People who have always been sober.
Not that I am running short of crazy stories. My life is full of crazy stories. Shit you wouldn’t believe. I found a human foot on a beach once and that’s not even the weirdest shit that has ever happened to me. But if I’m going to tell my crazy stories about all the crazy shit I’ve been through, I have to look the part of a person who’s been through some shit. Which is why I wish people would lay off me about smoking cigarettes. It’s all part of the plan. Nothing gives you that “I’ve been through some shit” look like a pack of Newport 100’s a day. I want my comedy to be true and real and believable. I want my face to convey as much crazy shit as my stories do. You know who looks like they really haven't been through shit? People who have always been sober nonsmokers.
Why don’t you get off my back about working out and eating healthy too. I love cheese and meat and beer and laying around playing video games. This is all part of the plan. If you don’t get fat and old and out of shape, you can never get skinny and fit and look years younger. You have to get old and fat if you ever want to get young and skinny. People love a comeback. It’s all part of the plan. You have to amaze people with your discipline when you decide to get healthy. You know who never amazes people with their discipline? People who have always been sober nonsmoking vegan fitness experts.
Now some people may argue that if I continue down this path I will never get the chance to make these incredibly impressive transformations, because I’ll be dead. That’s a good point, but it shows you really don’t understand the plan. Dying is plan B and just as valid a plan as plan A. It’s all part of the plan. You can either destroy yourself and collect unbelievable tales and tell them with your old rugged “I’ve been through some shit” face, or you can die relatively young, in which case EVERYONE will love you. No one loves anyone more than a person who dies young. No one gets more famous than a person who dies young. No one is remembered as fondly, no one is as eternally beautiful, no one is mourned and no one is missed as much as a person who dies young. And you know who never dies young? People who have always been sober nonsmoking vegan fitness experts who worry about dying young.
So please, get off my drinking, smoking, overeating, lazy, dying ass. It’s all part of the plan people, it’s all part of the plan.
Dec 8, 2010
Sep 9, 2010
Random Thoughts on Outrage
"My cartoon doll is more outrageous than your cartoon doll."
People are outraged about a mosque by ground zero, but where’s the outrage for the burning of the Koran? People are outraged by the burning of the Koran, but where’s the outrage for the woman being stoned to death in Iran? People are outraged by the woman being stoned to death in Iran, but where’s the outrage for the suicide bombings in Mogadishu? They killed peacekeepers! PEACEKEEPERS!
Why are people so concerned with delegating outrage? That’s pretty outrageous. It outrages me when people tell me what I should be outraged by. If you want to see people who are outraged by everything that happens, watch Nancy Grace. There’s a lot of outrage there. You’ll probably be outraged by all the outrage. What if I’m just saddened by this stuff but not outraged? Does that make me a bad person? Does that outrage you? Outrage saddens me. I’m sorry that my sadness and lack of outrage outrages you.
That Jem was truly outrageous, wasn’t she? But where’s the outrage for Barbie and the Rockers? Maybe I’m using outrage wrong here. Jem’s outrage was more about big hair and glitter. Not really outrageous the way a suicide bomber is. You gotta admit Barbie and the Rockers were pretty outrageous too though. They just couldn’t use the word because Jem already had it. I bet they were outraged about that, having to call themselves “totally in the groove” instead. Barbie and the Rockers should have jumped Jem and taken the word outrageous for themselves. That would have caused a lot of outrage in the cartoon doll community.
Imagine people becoming so outraged over cartoon dolls? That would be outrageous. The Jem supporters and the Barbie and the Rocker supporters bombing each other because they believe one is more truly outrageous than the other. The Jem supporters screaming from the mountaintops, “There can be only one truly outrageous cartoon doll!” While the Barbie and the Rockers supporters counter with their own screams, “We believe there can be many truly outrageous cartoon dolls!” Both groups becoming more and more outraged with the opinions of the other. Surely all the outrage would lead to mass violence. People wouldn’t even realize how outrageous it is to be killing each other over their beliefs about cartoon dolls because they’d be so consumed with their outrage.
It’s a good thing we don’t live in a world where people become outraged and kill each other over cartoon dolls. That would be pretty outrageous.
Jul 15, 2010
My Three Year Comedy Journey
I started doing comedy three years ago this month after a short stint in inpatient rehab at Nyack Hospital where I was treated for alcohol and prescription drug addiction. For the first time in my adult life I was sober and full of hope. Needless to say, I am no longer sober and my hope is deteriorating faster than Mel Gibson’s hope of ever having custody of his child.
Don’t get me wrong, comedy is the best thing that ever happened to me. It has given me purpose and a creative outlet. It has led to incredible experiences and extraordinary friends. I cannot live without it and I hope I never have to. It has also led to a lot of disappointment though, which is probably my own fault because by nature I am an idealist. I think things should be a certain way and things are a certain way and I am always disappointed when they’re not. I thought comedians and relationships with comedians would be a certain way. I grew up watching shows like SNL, Laugh-In and SCTV, and I thought the kind of comedy camaraderie I saw amongst those comedians existed off stage as well as on. All the time. I thought it would be so much fun to hang out with comedians. I thought we'd all be friends, we'd be a team, we'd be making each other laugh 24/7. I thought the business of comedy would be a certain way. I thought all that was important was getting the audience to laugh. I was pretty much wrong across the board.
My experiences with friendships and relationships in comedy have varied greatly. On the one hand, I have met some amazing people who I truly believe will be lifelong friends. On the other hand, comedians in general have been the most jealous, vicious, ass-kissing, backstabbing, front-running, racist, sexist group of people I’ve ever met. They love you when they think you’re going somewhere but you damn sure won’t hear from them when you’re at a low point. They smile in your face and then talk shit about you as soon as you leave the room. They use their Facebook statuses and Twitter updates to belittle and berate other comics. They circle jerk their little cliques and literally suck cock for spots. And, if they're jealous of the spots you're getting or they think for some reason you don't deserve them, you can be sure they'll say you're sucking cock for yours. The funny thing is I see this bad behavior most in lower to mid-level comics. For the most part, the headliners I have worked with have been nothing but nice and very supportive. Maybe that’s because they’ve gotten their asses handed to them enough times throughout the years and have gained some sense of humility. It seems like the lower to mid-level people get a little taste of success or start producing some bullshit show at a bar and they think they have earned the right to publicly criticize others, to put down people who are only slightly below them on the comedy ladder, and to act as if they are part of some exclusive superior upper echelon. These are people I will enjoy seeing crash and burn, not only because it will be personally satisfying to me but because it may teach them that none of us are immune to failure. We all have a lot to learn and a long road to travel. If you don’t get your head out of your ass you’re bound to run into a wall and for some of these people I will enjoy the collision greatly.
I’ve met a lot of shady characters who have not been out for my best interests. I have had people kiss my ass and book me on their shows not because they think I’m funny but because they heard I have a paying room in Westchester and they think I will return the “favor”. I don’t work like that. I don’t do spot-swapping; I do what’s best for my room and my audience. I’m not going to book a political comedian in a dick joke room, and I’m certainly not going to book someone who has put in zero work, who doesn’t write or who just plain sucks ass just because they booked me on their show. I would rather never get booked at all than get booked because I’m going to owe someone a favor. Fuck that and fuck you. I also had one incident where a comedian acted like he was being supportive of me but actually stole my best joke (at the time) and sold it to a national headliner, then told me I was not allowed to do the joke anymore because she was doing it. The word “friend” should be used cautiously in this business. I’m not saying friendship doesn’t exist, but be very very cautious. I respect those comics who are “not here to make friends”, who are focused on their goals and not into the social end of it, but there’s a big difference between being self-motivated and being a self-centered fuckhead and unfortunately I have met more of the latter than the former.
As far as romantic relationships, I’m not going to shout out all my personal business but I will say I have done it, and I would say don’t do it. It’s only going to taint your friendship with that person and all of that person’s friends when it doesn’t work out. That’s right I said taint. I’m sure I will probably do it again because relationships are difficult in general when you’re a comedian and sometimes it seems like only other comedians understand you, but I will do it knowing I shouldn’t do it and I will caution others against it. If that makes any sense.
As far as the business of comedy I feel like I have had some real accomplishments in these first three years, even if for the most part they have been failures. I hosted a very successful open mic at Comedy Corner for about nine months that ended badly due to the actions of the owner and my innate need to confront rude cunty bitches who are trying to shit on my friends and myself. I’m no longer allowed in Comedy Corner but the mic was awesome while it lasted and I have a feeling my affiliation with that shithole would not have been my claim to fame anyway, perhaps quite the opposite.
I was on Miserable Men on Sirius XM three times, one of which was supposed to be a sort of audition for a regular spot on the show, where I learned that I’m either really bad at radio or I’m really bad at playing the role of a loud-mouthed female who is willing to scream over and argue with four men who are screaming over and arguing with each other and laughing at inside jokes, which was the role I was expected and instructed to play. I do hope to get good at radio someday, but I can’t and won’t be that person, and it was a relief to not be asked back in that capacity.
I tried my hand at improv, taking courses at UCB (101 and 201 twice). That was a lot of fun and something I would eventually like to get good at, but it was very difficult to pay that much money to try to learn something with some people in the group who were not there to learn, play the game and be a part of a team but were there to dominate every scene with some overdramatic actressy bullshit that was not curtailed by the instructors. The Harold technique is a very specific game that I respect and I really wanted to learn but it is a team effort and if everyone is not on the same page it’s not going to work. I may try again someday when I have all kinds of money to throw around but for now I am sticking with stand-up where I am in control of my own failure.
I haven't tried very hard to get into the club scene yet. I did audition for the late night shows at the Comic Strip and although I killed with the audience I was not passed because the booker said my material was predictable and unoriginal. I found this perplexing, not because I disagree so much as because my audition came after one of the longest most boring shows I have ever sat through there, and one of their regulars even told a joke on stage about Tiger Woods hitting 18 holes. My rejection at the Strip and the bewilderment with what they are actually looking for threw me into a deeper depression than I thought it would and I told myself I was not going to audition at a club again for a very long time. I do, however, like the new panel-judging process at the Strip and I will probably be in line for the next lottery. I think it will be much more useful to be judged by and given feedback from four seasoned comedians than one guy who as far as I know has never been on stage except maybe to sweep it.
I’ve produced my own show for almost a year now in New Rochelle, my home town, which has been one of the best and worst experiences I’ve had so far in comedy. Besides the spot-swapping and ass-kissing crap I mentioned above, which is the worst of it, I have also had a lot of disappointment with neighborhood friends being unsupportive. Of course, that goes back to my idealism and the fact that that has to change, but it hurts when fifty people say they’re coming to a show and five people show up. It’s also embarrassing and makes me feel like I am letting my comics down. I decided to start doing comedy in New Rochelle because so many people told me “if it wasn’t so far I’d definitely come to all of your shows!” I brought it to their fucking back yard and they still couldn’t make the effort. I’ve also had “headliners” try to charge me an exorbitant amount of money to come up here, and by “up here” I mean five miles north of the Bronx border. I had one girl with no TV credits tell me she needed $600 to headline on a Thursday night. Get fucking real. My entire budget is $200 and I probably would have given her all of that but since she tried to play me for a sucker she’s now booked on my shit list which has a budget of $0 and a bonus fuck you. I have not booked the next date for my New Rochelle show and I am thinking I probably won’t. Too much heartache for not enough fun and I haven’t made a dime off of it for myself. Definitely an experience I needed to have, but I think I may be done.
I’ve also done some road work, nothing too far yet but a lot of Pennsylvania and New Jersey and a couple of gigs in upstate New York, Delaware and Connecticut. Boy have I learned a lot with road work. I have definitely learned that road work is easier and more fun, in my opinion, than work in New York City. Crowds are more laid back for the most part. They are there to see comedy because there’s not much else to do in their small towns and they show their appreciation with easy and loud laughter. They are less critical of content and construction and a lot more willing and able to laugh at themselves. That is exhilarating of course but at the same time it can be detrimental because while it is great fun to tell a heckler “go fuck yourself” and get a three minute applause break from crowd of 500 people, it really does not help you grow as a comic to go for the easiest laugh with the crudest most simplistic material. As a female comic I have also learned that crowds outside of NYC find it perfectly acceptable to scream out “show us your tits!” while you’re in the middle of what you think is your best joke, but of course that’s the guy you can tell to go fuck himself and you’ll get a huge laugh. Then you can continue to berate him and heighten the effect. Fun for sure, but beneficial to developing your act it is not. I have also found that situations after the show can get a little rapey and scary if you’re a female traveling alone. If you’re a man and you kill, you will probably get a hearty handshake and a pat on the back when you get off the stage. If you’re a female, you’re more likely to get an “encouraging” smack on the ass. It would be nice to think that your fellow comics will protect you from such things, but your fellow comics might be a little rapey too. My advice to female comics doing road work: bring a friend you trust.
If you have made it this far I have to say you are a better person than I, I probably would have stopped after the third paragraph. So thanks for sticking around. These past three years in comedy have honestly been the best years of my life, as much as they have sucked, and I wouldn’t trade any of it for the regular everyday life I would be living now if I hadn’t gotten into it. Hopefully three years from now I will post another far too long account of my experiences and hopefully it will be more positive, juicier, and will include more details which I will be more comfortable revealing. Maybe I’ll even be sober and hopeful again too. Who knows. The only thing I know for sure is that this is the only thing I have ever failed at miserably and didn’t walk away from, and I know in my heart I can’t walk away. And that’s gotta mean something.
Don’t get me wrong, comedy is the best thing that ever happened to me. It has given me purpose and a creative outlet. It has led to incredible experiences and extraordinary friends. I cannot live without it and I hope I never have to. It has also led to a lot of disappointment though, which is probably my own fault because by nature I am an idealist. I think things should be a certain way and things are a certain way and I am always disappointed when they’re not. I thought comedians and relationships with comedians would be a certain way. I grew up watching shows like SNL, Laugh-In and SCTV, and I thought the kind of comedy camaraderie I saw amongst those comedians existed off stage as well as on. All the time. I thought it would be so much fun to hang out with comedians. I thought we'd all be friends, we'd be a team, we'd be making each other laugh 24/7. I thought the business of comedy would be a certain way. I thought all that was important was getting the audience to laugh. I was pretty much wrong across the board.
My experiences with friendships and relationships in comedy have varied greatly. On the one hand, I have met some amazing people who I truly believe will be lifelong friends. On the other hand, comedians in general have been the most jealous, vicious, ass-kissing, backstabbing, front-running, racist, sexist group of people I’ve ever met. They love you when they think you’re going somewhere but you damn sure won’t hear from them when you’re at a low point. They smile in your face and then talk shit about you as soon as you leave the room. They use their Facebook statuses and Twitter updates to belittle and berate other comics. They circle jerk their little cliques and literally suck cock for spots. And, if they're jealous of the spots you're getting or they think for some reason you don't deserve them, you can be sure they'll say you're sucking cock for yours. The funny thing is I see this bad behavior most in lower to mid-level comics. For the most part, the headliners I have worked with have been nothing but nice and very supportive. Maybe that’s because they’ve gotten their asses handed to them enough times throughout the years and have gained some sense of humility. It seems like the lower to mid-level people get a little taste of success or start producing some bullshit show at a bar and they think they have earned the right to publicly criticize others, to put down people who are only slightly below them on the comedy ladder, and to act as if they are part of some exclusive superior upper echelon. These are people I will enjoy seeing crash and burn, not only because it will be personally satisfying to me but because it may teach them that none of us are immune to failure. We all have a lot to learn and a long road to travel. If you don’t get your head out of your ass you’re bound to run into a wall and for some of these people I will enjoy the collision greatly.
I’ve met a lot of shady characters who have not been out for my best interests. I have had people kiss my ass and book me on their shows not because they think I’m funny but because they heard I have a paying room in Westchester and they think I will return the “favor”. I don’t work like that. I don’t do spot-swapping; I do what’s best for my room and my audience. I’m not going to book a political comedian in a dick joke room, and I’m certainly not going to book someone who has put in zero work, who doesn’t write or who just plain sucks ass just because they booked me on their show. I would rather never get booked at all than get booked because I’m going to owe someone a favor. Fuck that and fuck you. I also had one incident where a comedian acted like he was being supportive of me but actually stole my best joke (at the time) and sold it to a national headliner, then told me I was not allowed to do the joke anymore because she was doing it. The word “friend” should be used cautiously in this business. I’m not saying friendship doesn’t exist, but be very very cautious. I respect those comics who are “not here to make friends”, who are focused on their goals and not into the social end of it, but there’s a big difference between being self-motivated and being a self-centered fuckhead and unfortunately I have met more of the latter than the former.
As far as romantic relationships, I’m not going to shout out all my personal business but I will say I have done it, and I would say don’t do it. It’s only going to taint your friendship with that person and all of that person’s friends when it doesn’t work out. That’s right I said taint. I’m sure I will probably do it again because relationships are difficult in general when you’re a comedian and sometimes it seems like only other comedians understand you, but I will do it knowing I shouldn’t do it and I will caution others against it. If that makes any sense.
As far as the business of comedy I feel like I have had some real accomplishments in these first three years, even if for the most part they have been failures. I hosted a very successful open mic at Comedy Corner for about nine months that ended badly due to the actions of the owner and my innate need to confront rude cunty bitches who are trying to shit on my friends and myself. I’m no longer allowed in Comedy Corner but the mic was awesome while it lasted and I have a feeling my affiliation with that shithole would not have been my claim to fame anyway, perhaps quite the opposite.
I was on Miserable Men on Sirius XM three times, one of which was supposed to be a sort of audition for a regular spot on the show, where I learned that I’m either really bad at radio or I’m really bad at playing the role of a loud-mouthed female who is willing to scream over and argue with four men who are screaming over and arguing with each other and laughing at inside jokes, which was the role I was expected and instructed to play. I do hope to get good at radio someday, but I can’t and won’t be that person, and it was a relief to not be asked back in that capacity.
I tried my hand at improv, taking courses at UCB (101 and 201 twice). That was a lot of fun and something I would eventually like to get good at, but it was very difficult to pay that much money to try to learn something with some people in the group who were not there to learn, play the game and be a part of a team but were there to dominate every scene with some overdramatic actressy bullshit that was not curtailed by the instructors. The Harold technique is a very specific game that I respect and I really wanted to learn but it is a team effort and if everyone is not on the same page it’s not going to work. I may try again someday when I have all kinds of money to throw around but for now I am sticking with stand-up where I am in control of my own failure.
I haven't tried very hard to get into the club scene yet. I did audition for the late night shows at the Comic Strip and although I killed with the audience I was not passed because the booker said my material was predictable and unoriginal. I found this perplexing, not because I disagree so much as because my audition came after one of the longest most boring shows I have ever sat through there, and one of their regulars even told a joke on stage about Tiger Woods hitting 18 holes. My rejection at the Strip and the bewilderment with what they are actually looking for threw me into a deeper depression than I thought it would and I told myself I was not going to audition at a club again for a very long time. I do, however, like the new panel-judging process at the Strip and I will probably be in line for the next lottery. I think it will be much more useful to be judged by and given feedback from four seasoned comedians than one guy who as far as I know has never been on stage except maybe to sweep it.
I’ve produced my own show for almost a year now in New Rochelle, my home town, which has been one of the best and worst experiences I’ve had so far in comedy. Besides the spot-swapping and ass-kissing crap I mentioned above, which is the worst of it, I have also had a lot of disappointment with neighborhood friends being unsupportive. Of course, that goes back to my idealism and the fact that that has to change, but it hurts when fifty people say they’re coming to a show and five people show up. It’s also embarrassing and makes me feel like I am letting my comics down. I decided to start doing comedy in New Rochelle because so many people told me “if it wasn’t so far I’d definitely come to all of your shows!” I brought it to their fucking back yard and they still couldn’t make the effort. I’ve also had “headliners” try to charge me an exorbitant amount of money to come up here, and by “up here” I mean five miles north of the Bronx border. I had one girl with no TV credits tell me she needed $600 to headline on a Thursday night. Get fucking real. My entire budget is $200 and I probably would have given her all of that but since she tried to play me for a sucker she’s now booked on my shit list which has a budget of $0 and a bonus fuck you. I have not booked the next date for my New Rochelle show and I am thinking I probably won’t. Too much heartache for not enough fun and I haven’t made a dime off of it for myself. Definitely an experience I needed to have, but I think I may be done.
I’ve also done some road work, nothing too far yet but a lot of Pennsylvania and New Jersey and a couple of gigs in upstate New York, Delaware and Connecticut. Boy have I learned a lot with road work. I have definitely learned that road work is easier and more fun, in my opinion, than work in New York City. Crowds are more laid back for the most part. They are there to see comedy because there’s not much else to do in their small towns and they show their appreciation with easy and loud laughter. They are less critical of content and construction and a lot more willing and able to laugh at themselves. That is exhilarating of course but at the same time it can be detrimental because while it is great fun to tell a heckler “go fuck yourself” and get a three minute applause break from crowd of 500 people, it really does not help you grow as a comic to go for the easiest laugh with the crudest most simplistic material. As a female comic I have also learned that crowds outside of NYC find it perfectly acceptable to scream out “show us your tits!” while you’re in the middle of what you think is your best joke, but of course that’s the guy you can tell to go fuck himself and you’ll get a huge laugh. Then you can continue to berate him and heighten the effect. Fun for sure, but beneficial to developing your act it is not. I have also found that situations after the show can get a little rapey and scary if you’re a female traveling alone. If you’re a man and you kill, you will probably get a hearty handshake and a pat on the back when you get off the stage. If you’re a female, you’re more likely to get an “encouraging” smack on the ass. It would be nice to think that your fellow comics will protect you from such things, but your fellow comics might be a little rapey too. My advice to female comics doing road work: bring a friend you trust.
If you have made it this far I have to say you are a better person than I, I probably would have stopped after the third paragraph. So thanks for sticking around. These past three years in comedy have honestly been the best years of my life, as much as they have sucked, and I wouldn’t trade any of it for the regular everyday life I would be living now if I hadn’t gotten into it. Hopefully three years from now I will post another far too long account of my experiences and hopefully it will be more positive, juicier, and will include more details which I will be more comfortable revealing. Maybe I’ll even be sober and hopeful again too. Who knows. The only thing I know for sure is that this is the only thing I have ever failed at miserably and didn’t walk away from, and I know in my heart I can’t walk away. And that’s gotta mean something.
Mar 13, 2010
Bio Shock
I’m trying to put a website together and pretty happy with it, except for one thing. I’m having a really hard time writing a bio. For me there are a few problems with this process. First, I feel like a dick writing about myself. I really haven’t accomplished anything but I’m supposed to write bio that brags about my accomplishments, in the hopes that someone will be impressed enough to book me. Am I right about that? I think that’s the point of a bio. Then again sometimes I wonder what the point of any of this is.
Another big problem I have with it is I don’t like speaking in the third person. In fact, speaking (or writing) in the third person is something I have always equated with mental illness, unless of course you’re writing fiction which I guess I would be if I really sat and wrote a bio bragging about my accomplishments. Why do we write our own bios as if we were someone else writing about ourselves? It seems so weird to me, and I can’t seem to get it right. I don’t tell my jokes in the third person, but I’m supposed to write my bio in the third person. It’s just weird to me.
Of course, I have seen bios of other comedians who don’t have any credits, and I think they’re brilliant and really funny. I know they’ve written their own bios, but it doesn’t bother me because it’s just so clever. I don’t think I have the ability to do that either. I have this vision of people reading my bio that I thought was so clever and saying “She’s not funny. What is this crap?” I feel like me trying to be funny in my bio would be obnoxious, but just laying down the “facts” in the third person is uncomfortable and lacks personality.
If I were to write an honest bio in the traditional third person form, I think this is what it would look like:
Amy Carlson is a comedian from New Rochelle, NY who is on the fast track to becoming the mom from Throw Momma from the Train. Her jokes are mediocre and borderline hack and you can see the punch line coming from a mile away. She would probably be funnier if she had an accordion or a puppet or some shit, but she doesn’t know how to operate either one and she’s too lazy and insecure to try anything new anyway. Amy occasionally writes a new joke and adds it to her set, but for the most part she’s been doing the same set for almost a year now and she hates herself and feels stagnant and inferior every time she performs. She also has a voice that would drive Fran Drescher insane. Amy should probably stop drinking, or at the very least cut down for God’s sake.
Maybe I should have someone else write my bio.
Amy thanks you for reading.
Feb 16, 2010
Boyfriend Application
Last time I logged on to Myspace, I saw this bulletin entitled BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND APPLICATION. I clicked on it against my better judgment and found this gem:
EVEN iF YoU HAVe A BOyFRiEND OR GIRlFRiEnD- REPoST THiS!
SEE HoW MAnY PEOpLE SeND THiS BAcK TO YoU!
Ladies Title it "Boyfriend Application"
Guys Title it "Girlfriend Application"
1. Your Name:
2. Age:
3. Fave Color:
4. Whats your sign?
5. Location:
6. Height:
7.Hair (color and style):
8.Piercings/tattoos:
HERE COMES THE FUN ...
I’ll spare you most of “The Fun”, but just to give you an idea these are some of the FUN questions this application includes:
1. Are we friends?
2. Do you have a crush on me?
3. Would you kiss me?
4. ...with tongue?
What Do You Think Of My...?
1. Personality:
2. Eyes:
3. Face:
4. Hair:
W0ULD Y0U...
give me your number?_______________
kiss me?
watch a movie with me?
give me a piggyback ride?
It just goes on and on. This is a stupid application, but it gave me a great idea. A boyfriend application could really help me avoid ever making the same dating mistakes I’ve made in the past. With that in mind, I came up with this very brief application. Please let me know what you think, I’m making a Match.com page.
AmY’S BOyFRIeND ApPlICaTIoN:
1. Do you do dishes?
2. Can you change a flat tire?
3. Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/other thing you’re smashing on the side? (If yes to any, please see * below)
4. How do you feel about having a job? (If anything other than “I love having a job”, please see * below)
5. Are you going to leave me for Jesus? (If yes, please see ** below)
6. Who is your favorite comedian? (If Robin Williams, please see * and ** below)
7. Do you have freakish looking toes and bad toenails? (If yes, that’s ok I just don’t want to be caught off guard)
8. How many action figures do you play with in the bath tub? (If anything other than “zero”, please see * below)
9. Are you into “The Dark Arts”? (If yes, please see ** below)
10. Do you enjoy going in the other room sometimes and watching some sports or something and leaving your girl the hell alone? (If no, please see * below)
* You do not qualify for this position but thank you for your participation.
** Jesus loves you. He wants you to get laid. You’re doing it wrong.
ThANkS FoR REaDiNG
EVEN iF YoU HAVe A BOyFRiEND OR GIRlFRiEnD- REPoST THiS!
SEE HoW MAnY PEOpLE SeND THiS BAcK TO YoU!
Ladies Title it "Boyfriend Application"
Guys Title it "Girlfriend Application"
1. Your Name:
2. Age:
3. Fave Color:
4. Whats your sign?
5. Location:
6. Height:
7.Hair (color and style):
8.Piercings/tattoos:
HERE COMES THE FUN ...
I’ll spare you most of “The Fun”, but just to give you an idea these are some of the FUN questions this application includes:
1. Are we friends?
2. Do you have a crush on me?
3. Would you kiss me?
4. ...with tongue?
What Do You Think Of My...?
1. Personality:
2. Eyes:
3. Face:
4. Hair:
W0ULD Y0U...
give me your number?_______________
kiss me?
watch a movie with me?
give me a piggyback ride?
It just goes on and on. This is a stupid application, but it gave me a great idea. A boyfriend application could really help me avoid ever making the same dating mistakes I’ve made in the past. With that in mind, I came up with this very brief application. Please let me know what you think, I’m making a Match.com page.
AmY’S BOyFRIeND ApPlICaTIoN:
1. Do you do dishes?
2. Can you change a flat tire?
3. Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/other thing you’re smashing on the side? (If yes to any, please see * below)
4. How do you feel about having a job? (If anything other than “I love having a job”, please see * below)
5. Are you going to leave me for Jesus? (If yes, please see ** below)
6. Who is your favorite comedian? (If Robin Williams, please see * and ** below)
7. Do you have freakish looking toes and bad toenails? (If yes, that’s ok I just don’t want to be caught off guard)
8. How many action figures do you play with in the bath tub? (If anything other than “zero”, please see * below)
9. Are you into “The Dark Arts”? (If yes, please see ** below)
10. Do you enjoy going in the other room sometimes and watching some sports or something and leaving your girl the hell alone? (If no, please see * below)
* You do not qualify for this position but thank you for your participation.
** Jesus loves you. He wants you to get laid. You’re doing it wrong.
ThANkS FoR REaDiNG
Advice from Aunt Amy
My niece Shayla is one year old, and as I gaze upon her tiny innocent face, I am very worried for her future. One day she will start talking to boys in a more than friendly way, and the thought of her heart being broken breaks my heart even now. I’m also thinking that it’s very possible that I may not be around by the time she is of dating age, so I would like to offer this advice to her now, to be shared with her later in case of my demise. Hopefully this advice from Aunt Amy will help my little Shayla avoid ending up like me, a thirty year old bitter cat lady.
Shayla, Aunt Amy has made a lot of mistakes. I want you to learn from these mistakes. I will try to make it brief for you. Here are the most important things you should know:
1. Be smart, but not too smart.
Guys don’t like a girl with too much going on upstairs. It’s ok to be smart, and I would prefer that you strive to be smart, but just try to not be so smart around the men. Wait until they put that ring on your finger, then you can show them how smart you are. Before that just smile and nod or you can kiss that ring goodbye. That’s why Aunt Amy is single sweetheart; it’s because she’s a genius.
2. Don’t talk too much or have too many opinions.
That’s a major turn-off. Just agree and quote the bible a lot. Guys eat that shit up. Those girls always get married. Decorate yourself and look pretty. Don’t talk or trust me you won’t get a call back. That’s why Aunt Amy is single darling; it’s because she doesn’t know when to shut up.
3. Don’t tell a guy how you feel about him.
There will come a time when you will meet a guy who will make your stomach hurt, your heart ache and your palms sweat. If you tell him about those feelings however, you will never see him again. If you like a guy, just grab his penis. That’s the only thing that men care to understand. That’s why Aunt Amy is single dear; too much feeling sharing and not enough penis grabbing.
4. If a guy only contacts you after midnight, he is never going to make you his girlfriend.
I know what I said about the penis grabbing, but don’t do it after midnight if that’s the only time a guy ever calls. Aunt Amy has made the mistake of confusing lust with love, and it never works out well. He’s not going to make you his girlfriend, because he probably has one at home. That’s why Aunt Amy is single honey; penis grabbing after midnight.
One last piece of advice for you my love, you really shouldn’t take dating advice from 30 year old bitter cat ladies. Love you.
You Scratch My Hack I'll Scratch Yours
I’ve been doing comedy for a little over two years now, which means I’m relatively still a baby in the business. Perhaps my infancy can explain why I don’t really understand what goes on in this business, and why I don’t really care to. When I first started doing comedy, it was because of an innate need to make people laugh, and I guess I assumed that that was the driving force behind every comedic act I have ever seen. I have come to learn that this is not really the case. For many comedians, it is very much about ego and money, with no regard to whether or not anything is actually achieving the purpose of comedy as I see it: to make people see the reality and the absurdity of life, while at the same time taking the bitter edge off of it with a good laugh. I’m not saying I don’t ever want to make money with comedy, but I am definitely saying that if that means sacrificing what comedy really means to me, I’d much rather stick to my day job.
The thing that really got me thinking about all of this was an advice article from a seasoned comic which stated that comedy is “a you scratch my back I’ll scratch yours” business, and that if you have booked a friend on a show more than twice and they have not booked you, you should find some new friends and discontinue booking that person. I have a problem with that line of thinking for a few reasons.
First of all, I appreciate every gig I get. Even the non-paying ones. I appreciate them because I feel like anyone who would book me on their show must think I’m funny, and I like that quality in a person. I do not ever want to be booked on a show because someone is looking to get booked on my show. In fact, I find that insulting. I just want to be a good writer and I want to make people laugh because laughing feels good. I’m sure I will probably lose gigs for saying this, but that’s ok because I really don’t need that extra pressure. I am not a producer, or a host, and I am not running for mayor. I just want to make people laugh.
Another reason this bothers me is because it seems like no one cares about the integrity of a comedy show, or of the comedians. Should I book someone just because they have booked me in the past, even though I know the crowd would not understand this person? Should I give up caring about putting on a good show where both comic and audience would be satisfied just because I’m hoping for more in return? Should I place the comedian in a position where I know he/she will be destroyed and place the audience in a position where there is no way in hell they will be entertained? What is the point of that? If the point is to put an extra couple of dollars in the pockets of people I consider to be friends, or in my own, I’ll pass. Those extra couple of dollars may fill your pocket, but they will not fill the emptiness felt by comic and audience member alike after an extremely bad show. That may sound a little dramatic, but it’s true. No one likes to bomb, and no one likes to watch anyone bombing. Doing what’s right for the room should be first priority, because when you do what’s right for the room you are doing something good for the comics and for the audience, not just for yourself.
Finally, I have to ask, what if you just don’t think the person who booked you in the past is funny? Are you supposed to refuse gigs from them because you never plan on booking them on your own show? What if they are clearly stealing material from other comics? Are you supposed to scratch their back then? For me, that would be like scratching the hairy pimply back of an unemployed fat man who lives with his mom. It just doesn’t pay for anyone. His back would hurt afterwards and I’d just be disgusted.
I know I have a lot to learn when it comes to the business of comedy, and when it comes to comedy in general, but I really hope I will someday be able to look back on my career and say that I did the right thing while I was in it and I don’t have any regrets. I’d much rather be in the position to do that than in the position where I hate comedy and I hate other comedians because of the bad choices I’ve made. I already hate life because of the bad choices I’ve made, and comedy is supposed to be fun…right?
How 'Bout Just Jeans and a T-Shirt?
I was talking to a comic friend the other night about his struggles with getting booked for shows and we came to the conclusion that one of his problems may be that while he is very handsome and very funny, he is also one of many hundreds of handsome funny white guys with facial hair trying to make it in the world of comedy, purely on good clever jokes. This is a big problem because while an audience may enjoy you and even remember your jokes later, they probably won’t remember exactly who you were or which jokes were yours, because you looked almost exactly the same as the eight other comics they saw perform that night. A conversation after the show might go like this:
“That one guy was so funny.”
See? That’s bad, and it’s kind of unfair. It’s hard to get by in comedy these days purely on joke quality. I have to admit and acknowledge that it is also unfair that I get gigs because I have boobs, but I digress. My friend and I decided that perhaps a change of wardrobe might help him distinguish himself, and that is what led me write this note.
I spent some time online today checking out today’s fashions for men to see if I could find anything my friend might be able to pull off, and I have to share what I found with you, in the same way that a friend must share the putrid rotting smell they found in the basement with you. I have never been a big fan of high fashion in general and I have certainly never explored men’s high fashion, and what I found in the Fashion Week Spring 2010 Milan/Paris collections reminded me why. Let’s begin.
This is a denim tube-top ensemble by Jean Paul Gaultier. This is for girls. The bracelets and rings are also for girls. This outfit was included in the wrong collection. Because it’s for girls.
“That one guy was so funny.”
“Which guy?”
“The white guy with the beard and the flannel shirt. The one with the Monopoly joke.”
“Oh you mean the one that went second?”
“No I think he went sixth or eighth.”
“Oh I don’t know who you mean. The Indian guy was hysterical though, right?”
“Yeah he was. What a catchy name too; Mandeep Mandoop. We should Google him and ask him to perform at our gigantic high-paying gig where thousands of our friends who love to laugh will be in attendance.”
See? That’s bad, and it’s kind of unfair. It’s hard to get by in comedy these days purely on joke quality. I have to admit and acknowledge that it is also unfair that I get gigs because I have boobs, but I digress. My friend and I decided that perhaps a change of wardrobe might help him distinguish himself, and that is what led me write this note.
I spent some time online today checking out today’s fashions for men to see if I could find anything my friend might be able to pull off, and I have to share what I found with you, in the same way that a friend must share the putrid rotting smell they found in the basement with you. I have never been a big fan of high fashion in general and I have certainly never explored men’s high fashion, and what I found in the Fashion Week Spring 2010 Milan/Paris collections reminded me why. Let’s begin.
This is a denim tube-top ensemble by Jean Paul Gaultier. This is for girls. The bracelets and rings are also for girls. This outfit was included in the wrong collection. Because it’s for girls.
This monstrosity is from the Vivienne Westwood collection. And by collection I mean shit she collected in her attic for the last thirty years and decided to throw on some poor metro-sexual because she ran out of ideas. Too many bags and not enough coordination asshole. This looks homeless. 
This ensemble by Dolce and Gabbana can be worn for a leisurely walk in the park or for an important chain mail repair assignment. It’s so versatile. If you’re completely bat-shit crazy. 
Come on Bernard Wilhelm. I mean come on. The PCP is hurting your creativity not helping it. Please get help. Please. 
In conclusion, I think I may have been wrong about my friend needing to heighten his image through fashion. He may have to work that much harder on his jokes and on networking to get past the homogenization of the comedy industry, but at least he won’t be wearing a tube top or dried grass on his face. Just stick to the jeans and t-shirts guys, we love you, and clearly fashion hates your guts.
What a Guy Means
Man oh man some guys are full of crap. It's really hard to decipher the true meaning in some of the bullshit things they say. I've come up with this handy little guide to help my fellow single women figure out what a man really means when he opens his fat lying mouth. Please feel free to add any I might have missed.
A man says: "I really wish I could see you more". He means: "You're ok, but not really worth the effort of seeing more."
He says: "It was only a one time thing". He means: "So far I've only had one opportunity to bang her."
He says: "I only do (insert name of drug) every once in a while". He means: "I'm a crackhead."
He says: "I would never sleep with her!" He means: "I've had sexual relations with her and a donkey was involved."
He says: "I'm all about honesty". He means: "I lie even when there is video evidence."
He says: "I don't care about material things." He means: "I'm broke."
Jaded? Yes. Bitter? Absolutely. True? Unfortunately. Hope this helps you out in your quest for love and understanding.
A man says: "I really wish I could see you more". He means: "You're ok, but not really worth the effort of seeing more."
He says: "It was only a one time thing". He means: "So far I've only had one opportunity to bang her."
He says: "I only do (insert name of drug) every once in a while". He means: "I'm a crackhead."
He says: "I would never sleep with her!" He means: "I've had sexual relations with her and a donkey was involved."
He says: "I'm all about honesty". He means: "I lie even when there is video evidence."
He says: "I don't care about material things." He means: "I'm broke."
Jaded? Yes. Bitter? Absolutely. True? Unfortunately. Hope this helps you out in your quest for love and understanding.
Facebook Faux Pas
I know not everyone is a fan of my Facebook statuses. In fact, judging by the number of people who delete me every day, I think it’s fair to say I annoy and/or piss people off on a fairly regular basis. In my own defense, I would like to say that most of the time I try to post things that I find funny, or at least are the result of some original thought. I understand that some people don’t really like that, and that’s fine, because there are lots of things I also dislike when it comes to Facebook statuses. I would like to outline some of them here for you, dear readers, in hopes of encouraging more original thought, and less of, well, the following:
- Status Message Overload. If you are posting fifteen or more status messages a day, you have a severe problem and it may be time for you to step away from the internet for a while. I don’t know if it’s internet addiction or acute narcissism that you are suffering from, but in either case, it’s obnoxious, and there is help available. We just don’t need to know every single thought that goes through your head throughout the day. Try taking a walk, reading a book, or taking up a hobby. Any one of those might help. Just please, please don’t tell us about it.
- Too Much Information. I know it may be very personally satisfying to tell everyone that a girl gave you an STD as a way to get back at her, but what you may not realize is that at the same time you are telling everyone that you have an STD. Bottom line is, it’s not nice to post personal jabs at others, and it will probably make you look like more of an ass than that person. Other personal things we don’t need to hear about: Your menstrual cycle. Bodily functions of any kind. Your sexual exploits. Just use common sense on this one. Assuming of course that common sense still exists
- Boring Everyone to Tears. Ok, we got it. You hate Mondays, you love Fridays, it sucks when the weekend comes to an end and boy do you hate rain. You’re eating a sandwich. You’re walking up a flight of stairs. You’re watching TV. Know what we’re doing? Cutting ourselves for entertainment. Please. Please. Make it stop.
- Being A Racist Asshole. I understand your hatred of white people. Here’s the thing. I’m white, and we’ve been friends for twenty years or more, and you have decided to add me on Facebook. If white people as a whole are that horrible, just go ahead and delete me, because I have no control over my own race, what my ancestors did or what some ignorant fuck may currently be doing. This also goes for racists in general who choose to spout their boorish bullshit all over Facebook. If you hate black people, bye bye. If you hate Asians, adios. If you hate Hispanics, go fuck yourself, because I can’t think of a word for goodbye that starts with an H.
- Referring to Yourself in the Third Person. Amy thinks that people who refer to themselves in the third person are weird and kind of creepy. She thinks that that is behavior that is indicative of schizophrenia. She would like you to cut it out.
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