I Am Not a Female Comedian

I know what you’re thinking. This is going to be another rant about the Adam Corolla “women aren’t funny” circus.

You’re only kind of right.

I wanted to write specifically about Adam Corolla and I had written an outline last night to do just that, but I was tired and decided to write the blog tomorrow (today). By the time I got home from work today there were already 9,999,999 articles written on the topic. In less than 24 hours the topic had been beat to the ground worse than Rodney King (Too soon? Or in this case would it be too late? God I’m a horrible person). Anyway, that’s what I get for having a day job.

The truth is though; this is bigger than Adam Corolla or any other single comedian who ever said women aren’t funny. There seems to be a recent boom in “women aren’t funny” sentiment, and the majority of comments I see from women on these articles seem to blame men for everything that makes it difficult to be a woman in comedy. While historically that may have been true, and women are still not equal to men in American society in general, I have to say that I don’t think women are helping their cause these days. It’s not because I don’t think women are funny, that’s obviously not that case. I make myself laugh on a daily basis. It’s not because I don’t think men are pigs. I know better than that. It’s because women continue to group themselves and to allow themselves to be grouped into a certain category known as “female comedians”.

More and more I am seeing articles about “The 15 Funniest Women of the 21st Century” and “10 Funny Ladies you Should be Following on Twitter” and “5 New Comedy Shows Starring Female Comedians”. Most of these articles are written by women, who obviously think they are helping matters by pointing out the fact that there are funny females out there. I disagree. I don’t think it helps at all. What it does do is separate women into a particular group, essentially saying “we’re different from you!!” in big bold red letters. You will never see an article entitled “The 10 Funniest Male Comedians of 2012”. That article would just be called “The Ten Funniest Comedians of 2012”, (and they would probably all be male). Women are inadvertently taking themselves out of the group “comedians” and placing themselves into the group “female comedians”.

Group psychology is an amazing phenomenon that most people may not even realize exists. I found one interesting and comprehensive article about it called “Essentials of Group Psychology” on PsyBlog.com. While I don’t want to pick apart every relevant piece of this article (it can be found here and isthere are several relevant pieces http://www.spring.org.uk/2009/09/how-groups-form-conform-then-warp-our-decision-making-productivity-and-creativity.php )and how it relates to women being grouped in comedy, I do want to touch on a few points.

“The seeds of group behaviour are sown even before its members meet. Just knowing that some people are on 'our side' and others are not begins to shape our social identity. Group affiliation soon grows even stronger, though, bending our behaviour further, if we undergo an initiation rite” (i.e. getting on stage?) “Once we are in a group it starts to shape us through conformity, pulling our attitudes and behaviour in line with others, threatening us with ostracism if we dare to rebel and, when facing rival groups, firing our competitive spirit.” In other words, being a part of a group changes the way we think about ourselves and about others not in our group. This goes for men and women. By grouping comedians and labeling them “male” and “female”, we are automatically creating a psychological divide and ultimately a rivalry.

Another interesting point the author makes has to do with decision making in groups. “Unfortunately psychologists have found that groups suffer all kinds of biases and glitches that lead to poor choices…because group members are often very similar in background and values they are quick to adopt majority decisions. Psychologists call this groupthink. We can combat groupthink by nurturing authentic dissent. This is no mean feat as dissenters are often shunned because of the challenge they present. Support for dissenters needs to come from leaders”. “…people are likely to display group polarization when together: initial preferences actually become exaggerated by group discussions. We can reduce this by avoiding homogeneity in group composition.”

“WE CAN REDUCE THIS BY AVOIDING HOMOGENEITY IN GROUP COMPOSITION”. We can avert polarization, bias and silly herd behavior simply by not allowing ourselves to be grouped in this way. We can take away the power we keep giving every time a member of the man group belittles a member of the female group and we all go apeshit. Stop all the “funniest females” bullshit. Next time someone calls you a “funny female comedian”, say thanks, but I’m not a female comedian. I’m a comedian. Next time someone like Adam Corolla says that women aren’t funny, say to yourself “I am a woman second, and a comedian first. This does not apply to me. What else is going on in the world?” And next time someone books you on an “all-female” comedy show, take that spot, because that’s valuable stage time. Don’t be an asshole. Get up on that stage at that all-female show and make the audience piss their pants with laughter, because you are a comedian, and that’s what you do, and that’s what I’ll do at Broadway Comedy Club on June 29th on the Men-All-Pause all-female comedy show. (Dissent takes time people. It takes time.)

UPDATE

I will not be appearing at Broadway Comedy on June 29th. Here is a letter I got from the pro-douche-er of the show shortly after posting this blog:

Dear Ms. Carlson,

It has been brought to my attention that you have written an article that mentions the “Me...n All Pause” comedy show which could potentially cast the production in a disparaging light.

As Executive Producer of the event, and President of the company that is financing the show I can not in good faith allow you to participate in a Sol-Caritas event intended to forward the value of all comics, especially exceptional female stand-up artists, after such an inflammatory blog was posted days before the event. We take great pride in all our events. Our reputation speaks for itself. The “Men All Pause” creates a platform that Sol-Caritas fully intends to extend to all comics at venues throughout the nation. We adamantly promote all fresh, untapped talent that otherwise go overlooked, or are not offered the opportunity to showcase their material at well known comedy clubs. When I was presented the line-up, each of the comics was described as talented, progressive, clever, accomplished artists in New York . The fact that they were all professional female artists simply made the ensemble even more stellar.

You are certainly entitled to your opinion. However, your decision to publicly decry a show you enthusiastically agreed to be part of days before the production is scheduled to debut and promote it as just another shot at “valuable stage time” undermines the value of our event and 6-fellow comics. It saddens me that you ultimately cast down women you purport to respect as professionals by suggesting their show is nothing more than another form of homogeneity.

Sol-Caritas and “Men All Pause” do not seek to “conform” or “divide”. We strive to elevate, encourage, and inspire. Unify where there would otherwise be a rivalry. Create a “network” that could advance the careers of talented artists. Until the industry’s finest comics, male and female, can claim a reputation where their name alone opens doors and commands sold-out arenas, any opportunity to work at creating that “name” should be appreciated, not maligned.

Thank you for your kind consideration. I wish you the best in your future endeavors.

Sincerely, Carlos Wallace President/CEO Sol-Caritas.com

"This is no mean feat as dissenters are often shunned because of the challenge they present."

This "comedy producer" did not recognize that my closing remark was a tongue-in-cheek PLUG for his show. How disappointing. This is who's booking comedy shows. Self-aggrandizing douche nozzles with zero sense of humor who seek to stifle free speech. The next day, he went on to explain to me what comedy is and what it isn't (of course, having never stepped foot on-stage himself), and to tell me I was a foolish little girl who should know when to keep my mouth shut. More on this later. For now, please enjoy this screen shot of Carlos Wallace "uplifting women" on his Facebook page.

Five Lesser-Known Superheroes Every Kid Should Know

The (fairly) recent popularity of movies based on Marvel and DC comics has left me feeling rather empty. I know I’m a little late on this, but I only recently saw the Green Lantern and Thor, which I thought were visually stunning, and The Dark Knight, which, while morbidly interesting, I felt was a little overrated. I haven’t and probably won’t see any of the X-Men series since I never even got into them as a kid, and the Spiderman movies, for me, are a little boring. I have no desire at all to see Iron Man or Captain America.

All of these movies seem to have one thing in common: super-fit, super-attractive, super-similar superheroes. I know, they all struggle with their alternate human identities, (who also happen to be super-fit and super-attractive), and they all have different super powers, but there’s something missing in these superheroes for me, and that’s personality.

These are the top five lesser-known superheroes I think every kid should know, but you probably have never heard of unless you were a child of the 80’s, or are a really giant nerd of the present. These are superheroes who either have no alternate human identity to speak of, or have no struggle with their alternate human identity, accepting their mission without question. They are not necessarily buff or attractive. They don’t necessarily possess superhuman strength or intelligence, but they are superheroes nonetheless. Here they are, in no particular order, as they are all equally awesome.

Bananaman

When wimpy teenager Eric Twinge eats a banana, he is transformed into BANANAMAN! Sure, Bananaman possesses many of the physical characteristics of Marvel and DC superheroes, but without any of the pathetic pussy angst that these heroes face with their transformations. Bananaman can fly, but he also often simply walks on air. He also punishes villains in the worst ways imaginable, like in this episode, where Bananaman punishes Dr. Gloom with a newborn baby. (Side note: Bananaman appeared in the US as a short at the end of Dangermouse, another awesome superhero who unfortunately did not make this list).



Powdered Toast Man

Another superhero only featured as a short, this time on Ren and Stimpy, was one of my personal favorites, Powdered Toast Man. Unlike Batman who had a Hollywood glitz and glamour distress call in the form of a giant, brightly lit logo in the sky, Powdered Toast Man had various distress calls that were more relatable to average people, like his underpants puffing up with gas or a toaster who would page him. Powdered Toast Man didn’t fly like all the other superheroes; he propelled himself through the air backwards, driven by the power of his farts. He also cared about the kids, scraping the back of his toast head and farting to provide them with delicious powdered toast. His weapons included hypercorrosive croutons produced by armpit farts and projectile raisin breath. Check out this episode where Powdered Toast Man saves the Pope, helps the President remove “himself” from his pants zipper, and becomes President himself, employing many of the same tactics as our current politicians.



Mighty Man and Yukk

One of the two duos on this list and also one of only two superheroes on this list with the distinction of having once been their own full-length series, Mighty Man and Yukk distinguished themselves in so many ways. First, Mighty Man was perhaps the only superhero who, as a human, was sharply dressed, fit and handsome (by 1970’s standards) but as a superhero was tiny in size. He got smaller when he was in superhero form, not bigger like those insecure DC and Marvel characters. Yukk, his faithful canine sidekick, was one of my favorite superheroes of all time, because his only power was how god damn ugly he was. Yukk was so ugly he could crack safes with his face. He was so ugly his faced derailed moving elevators. He was so ugly he had to wear a doghouse over his head at all times. Check out this episode of Mighty Man and Yukk where they battle the evil football coach, Coach Crimes (so relevant today), and his evil sidekicks meathead jock and big tittied cheerleader.



The Brown Hornet and Stinger

Another cartoon within a cartoon which never got a full series, The Brown Hornet featured the smooth, calm under pressure lead hero Brown Hornet, voiced by Bill Cosby, and his sidekicks Stinger and Tweeterbell. The Brown Hornet was the favorite superhero of Fat Albert and his Gang, and had simple powers like suction cup shoes, super-strength, flight and fast action. He could control the weather when necessary. The Brown Hornet’s sidekick, Stinger, was not only overweight, he was not afraid to wear pink, and Tweeterbell the robot often got into jams with Stinger which didn’t seem to bother The Brown Hornet in the least. No matter what, The Brown Hornet always remained smiling and confident, unlike those DC and Marvel pussies. Check out this episode where the Brown Hornet warns against the dangers of drinking with really bad verbal animation.



Captain Cave Man

Cavemen get a really bad rap these days. Everyone says they abused women, dragged them by their hair, etc. but how do we know? When I think of cavemen, I don't think of that savage Chris Brown, I think of the world’s first and most cuddly superhero, Captain Caveman; the sweet, caring superhero who had so much love and so many special powers. He, unlike other cavemen, took great care of his bitches without fanfare or God forbid, tears. His “Teen Angels” Dee Dee, Brenda and Taffy were always safe, as he pulled any item he could from his bulbous little body to save them from imminent danger. Captain Caveman was the ultimate pimp, but was so sweet and naive you couldn't hate him for it. Captain Caveman was voiced by Mel Blanc of Bugs Bunny fame, and if there’s one thing I’ll never forget, it’s his call “CAPTAIN CAAAAAAVVVEEE MAAANNN” which usually came right before he crashed into the ground. Captain Caveman was clumsy, unkempt, and not very concerned with grammar and usage. But more than anything, he cared dearly about the three women in his life. He was not at all self-conscious about his pear shape or his incredible hairiness. Here’s a short compilation of Captain Caveman’s amazing feats. (Side note: I couldn't embed this one. You have to copy and paste the link. That's how much of a boss Captain Caveman is).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGd8ZzZ56AU

Hope you enjoyed this list of superheroes who kick Marvel and DC ass. If you didn’t, you’re probably a comedian from the Midwest who lives in Brooklyn, which means you’re never going to like me anyway.

Thanks for reading.

Everybody gets a Trophy

11 out of 14 of these bitches didn't deserve a trophy.

When I was in elementary school, my sister played on a girl’s soccer team. I remember one year when we were really little she played a great game but at the end of the game she didn’t get a trophy, and she left the field in tears of hurt and frustration, as did many of the little girls that day since only the top three girls got trophies. Soon that kind of frustration was never to be felt again by any little girl on the team, because soon it was decided that everybody would get a trophy. This was in the early/mid-eighties and even then I felt like there was something wrong with this practice. If everybody gets a trophy, why should anyone fight to improve? Why try to be the best if the prize will be handed to you anyway? And why should the top players even bother if their accomplishments were now meaningless? But this became the common practice of our generation, the so called “generation Y”; the generation of entitlement, of narcissism, and of reward for mediocrity.


The trophy practice came to mind again last week when I saw all of the outrage from comedians at Eddie Brill’s comments in his New York Times interview. The most inflammatory of his statements, (“There are a lot less female comics who are authentic,” Mr. Brill said. “I see a lot of female comics who to please an audience will act like men.”), has apparently cost him his job as the talent coordinator for David Letterman. Why? Because apparently this meant to female comedians that he is a misogynist who is blocking their chances at getting on Letterman because he hates female comedians. “There were only 22 comedians on Letterman in 2011 and ONLY ONE WAS FEMALE!! KILL EDDIE BRILL!” They screamed. Suddenly every female comedian became a hardcore feminist and every male comedian who hates and envies Brill was laying their sport jacket over puddles for the poor downtrodden ladies. Give me a fuckin break.

Let’s look at some facts. First, there are far less women in comedy than men, which means Eddie sees less women, which means he books less women. Look at the numbers across the comedy board and you will see there are less women than men on EVERY show. Second, David Letterman is a notorious control freak. His studio has to be a certain temperature. He wants only the “best-looking” people seated up front. He is very very particular. It seems implausible that Eddie had free range to book whoever he likes BUT it would make sense that Letterman would hire someone who understands exactly what he wants. That’s called business. Only A-list comedians get on Letterman; old favorites and the very best up-and-comers FOR THAT GENRE. The safe, late-night, network TV genre. I don’t have numbers here but I would be willing to bet that the median age for Letterman viewers these days is 65. They like the old-school comedy style, and obviously Eddie has an old-school comedy way of thinking. Is that entirely fair? No. Is the man doing his job? Yes. Everybody doesn’t get a trophy in comedy, and that’s the way it should be.

When was the last time Letterman launched a career anyway? The answer is never. Letterman is no Johnny Carson. In fact if I got booked on Letterman I really might have to stop and ask myself if I’m fucking boring. I don’t agree with all of Eddie’s statements in that interview but seriously who cares? Why do you care? Did you think you were absolutely ready to do Letterman but Eddie’s misogyny has kept you from it? Again, give me a fuckin break. You’re not ready for Letterman and even if you were, like I said, you’re probably boring anyway, and you’re probably a typical “generation Y” personality. You’re probably also one of the people who complains that “Comedy Central gives a special to EVERYONE these days!” “Caroline’s lets ANYBODY headline these days!” And if you’re complaining about that, you’re right. Everybody shouldn’t get a Comedy Central special. Everybody shouldn’t be able to headline at Caroline’s. Everybody shouldn’t get on Letterman and everybody shouldn’t get a trophy. But you have to choose one or the other, either respect a person who selects according to what he likes, what his boss likes, and what his job requires, or buy into the belief that everyone should get a trophy. You can’t have it both ways.

Here’s probably the biggest kicker for me in the whole scandal: since when are women in comedy so supportive of each other? Get the fuck outta here. Women in comedy treat women in comedy the worst. I can’t tell you how many times I have tried to be friendly with other female comedians at shows only to be snubbed and treated like a piece of dirt. I introduced myself to a female headliner once and told her I loved her work and she responded with a look of disdain saying “Thanks. You have something on your face.” I have had a female booker who books an all female show at a well-known club add me as a friend on Facebook and then ignore my email asking about how she goes about booking but continue to send me invitations to her show. I have had bitches smile in my face and give me some “hey girlfriend” bullshit and then talk shit behind my back about how I did not deserve the work I was getting. I can tell you a million stories, but the bottom line is, how can women expect men to respect them in comedy when we don’t even respect each other? Stop acting like your hatred for Eddie Brill is due to the fact that you’re the bastion for women in comedy. It’s all self-serving bullshit. You’re mad because you didn’t get the trophy.

Finally, I just want to say that I only recently had the opportunity to meet and perform with Eddie Brill, and I just think he’s a good guy. I was nervous about meeting him because I knew who he was and I expected a real dickhead to be behind the name. What I found was that he is a really nice guy who talked comedy with me long after the show was over, and sent me a message the next day to tell me that he had watched my videos, he thought I was funny and he could tell that I love doing what I do, and that I should keep it up. I didn’t ask him to watch my videos or give me any feedback, he took the time to do that, which is more than I can say for most bookers out there who are in a much less prestigious position than Eddie. I’m nobody. I’m female. He wasn’t trying to fuck me and he treated me like a person. The night I met Eddie, I told him it was amazing to meet him because my mom is a big Letterman fan and I used to watch every night with her when I was a kid, and his response was, “Every morning I wake up and I still can’t believe this is my job. It’s amazing.” That’s what you call humble, and it’s a shame that this has unfolded the way it has.

Maybe instead of hanging on to what Eddie said in that stupid interview we should hang on to what Steve Martin said long ago: “Be undeniably funny”. Keep working. If one door closes find another, because there is no one door anymore that leads to a great comedy career. Be undeniably funny. That’s what we all have to work towards. We can even build our own buildings with our own doors. But not everybody gets a trophy in comedy. We will leave the field crying many times, but we can’t accept the “everybody gets a trophy” mentality. Everything is not equal. Everything is not fair. That’s why it’s a challenge. That’s why it’s a game still worth playing and trying to be the best at. No one owes you anything, whether you’re male, female, black, white, Asian or whatever the fuck little island you came from to come tell jokes. Everybody does not get a trophy in comedy, and that’s the way it should be.