What Comedians Say and What They Really Mean

Trying to navigate the comedy scene can be a daunting task. Along the way you will make friends and enemies, and sometimes it can be really hard to tell which is which. In an effort to help you figure out what you’re really dealing with when talking to comedians, I have outlined below five common things you may hear a comedian say, and what they really mean. I hope this short guide will help you along your glorious comedy journey.

They say: “So where you been getting up?”

They mean: “I would like to judge you based on where you get up, how often, and who with. I would also like to compare my own schedule with yours and pat myself on the back for getting up more than you at better venues with better people.”

They say: “That’s a good room to work stuff out.”

They mean: “That’s a shit room that’s not going to get you anywhere so you might as well throw in some new stuff since you have nothing to lose. Man you get shitty gigs.”

They say: “Nice! How’d you get that gig?”

They mean: The difference here is on the emphasis of the word “you”. They say, “How’d you get that gig?” They mean, “How’d YOU get that gig?” They may also mean, “Who can I pester endlessly using your name in order to get this gig for myself?” Sometimes it is a combination of both.

They say: “I really want to have you on my show but my co-producer does all the booking and he/she doesn’t know you.”

They mean: “I hate you. You suck and I would never allow you to ruin my show which I produce myself.”

They say: “It’s just a bunch of open mic-ers.”*

They mean: “It’s just a bunch of people who are beneath me. I have forgotten where I came from and I have no respect for people who need to ‘practice’ or who like to ‘socialize’. I am quite satisfied with my mediocre set that hasn’t changed one iota in six years because it’s just that perfect. I can walk into the Comedy Cellar and try out some new shit any time; I just don’t because like I said my set is perfect as-is. I also spit on old people on the subway to make them give up their seat.”

*That last one really says a lot about the type of person you’re dealing with. While some of the previous four quotes may be said in a sincere manner and not in the jaded way in which I take them, if you hear a comedian say that last one, I am correct in their meaning if they say any of the other four.