The (fairly) recent popularity of movies based on Marvel and DC comics has left me feeling rather empty. I know I’m a little late on this, but I only recently saw the Green Lantern and Thor, which I thought were visually stunning, and The Dark Knight, which, while morbidly interesting, I felt was a little overrated. I haven’t and probably won’t see any of the X-Men series since I never even got into them as a kid, and the Spiderman movies, for me, are a little boring. I have no desire at all to see Iron Man or Captain America.
All of these movies seem to have one thing in common: super-fit, super-attractive, super-similar superheroes. I know, they all struggle with their alternate human identities, (who also happen to be super-fit and super-attractive), and they all have different super powers, but there’s something missing in these superheroes for me, and that’s personality.
These are the top five lesser-known superheroes I think every kid should know, but you probably have never heard of unless you were a child of the 80’s, or are a really giant nerd of the present. These are superheroes who either have no alternate human identity to speak of, or have no struggle with their alternate human identity, accepting their mission without question. They are not necessarily buff or attractive. They don’t necessarily possess superhuman strength or intelligence, but they are superheroes nonetheless. Here they are, in no particular order, as they are all equally awesome.
Bananaman
When wimpy teenager Eric Twinge eats a banana, he is transformed into BANANAMAN! Sure, Bananaman possesses many of the physical characteristics of Marvel and DC superheroes, but without any of the pathetic pussy angst that these heroes face with their transformations. Bananaman can fly, but he also often simply walks on air. He also punishes villains in the worst ways imaginable, like in this episode, where Bananaman punishes Dr. Gloom with a newborn baby. (Side note: Bananaman appeared in the US as a short at the end of Dangermouse, another awesome superhero who unfortunately did not make this list).
Powdered Toast Man
Another superhero only featured as a short, this time on Ren and Stimpy, was one of my personal favorites, Powdered Toast Man. Unlike Batman who had a Hollywood glitz and glamour distress call in the form of a giant, brightly lit logo in the sky, Powdered Toast Man had various distress calls that were more relatable to average people, like his underpants puffing up with gas or a toaster who would page him. Powdered Toast Man didn’t fly like all the other superheroes; he propelled himself through the air backwards, driven by the power of his farts. He also cared about the kids, scraping the back of his toast head and farting to provide them with delicious powdered toast. His weapons included hypercorrosive croutons produced by armpit farts and projectile raisin breath. Check out this episode where Powdered Toast Man saves the Pope, helps the President remove “himself” from his pants zipper, and becomes President himself, employing many of the same tactics as our current politicians.
Mighty Man and Yukk
One of the two duos on this list and also one of only two superheroes on this list with the distinction of having once been their own full-length series, Mighty Man and Yukk distinguished themselves in so many ways. First, Mighty Man was perhaps the only superhero who, as a human, was sharply dressed, fit and handsome (by 1970’s standards) but as a superhero was tiny in size. He got smaller when he was in superhero form, not bigger like those insecure DC and Marvel characters. Yukk, his faithful canine sidekick, was one of my favorite superheroes of all time, because his only power was how god damn ugly he was. Yukk was so ugly he could crack safes with his face. He was so ugly his faced derailed moving elevators. He was so ugly he had to wear a doghouse over his head at all times. Check out this episode of Mighty Man and Yukk where they battle the evil football coach, Coach Crimes (so relevant today), and his evil sidekicks meathead jock and big tittied cheerleader.
The Brown Hornet and Stinger
Another cartoon within a cartoon which never got a full series, The Brown Hornet featured the smooth, calm under pressure lead hero Brown Hornet, voiced by Bill Cosby, and his sidekicks Stinger and Tweeterbell. The Brown Hornet was the favorite superhero of Fat Albert and his Gang, and had simple powers like suction cup shoes, super-strength, flight and fast action. He could control the weather when necessary. The Brown Hornet’s sidekick, Stinger, was not only overweight, he was not afraid to wear pink, and Tweeterbell the robot often got into jams with Stinger which didn’t seem to bother The Brown Hornet in the least. No matter what, The Brown Hornet always remained smiling and confident, unlike those DC and Marvel pussies. Check out this episode where the Brown Hornet warns against the dangers of drinking with really bad verbal animation.
Captain Cave Man
Cavemen get a really bad rap these days. Everyone says they abused women, dragged them by their hair, etc. but how do we know? When I think of cavemen, I don't think of that savage Chris Brown, I think of the world’s first and most cuddly superhero, Captain Caveman; the sweet, caring superhero who had so much love and so many special powers. He, unlike other cavemen, took great care of his bitches without fanfare or God forbid, tears. His “Teen Angels” Dee Dee, Brenda and Taffy were always safe, as he pulled any item he could from his bulbous little body to save them from imminent danger. Captain Caveman was the ultimate pimp, but was so sweet and naive you couldn't hate him for it. Captain Caveman was voiced by Mel Blanc of Bugs Bunny fame, and if there’s one thing I’ll never forget, it’s his call “CAPTAIN CAAAAAAVVVEEE MAAANNN” which usually came right before he crashed into the ground. Captain Caveman was clumsy, unkempt, and not very concerned with grammar and usage. But more than anything, he cared dearly about the three women in his life. He was not at all self-conscious about his pear shape or his incredible hairiness. Here’s a short compilation of Captain Caveman’s amazing feats. (Side note: I couldn't embed this one. You have to copy and paste the link. That's how much of a boss Captain Caveman is).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGd8ZzZ56AU
Hope you enjoyed this list of superheroes who kick Marvel and DC ass. If you didn’t, you’re probably a comedian from the Midwest who lives in Brooklyn, which means you’re never going to like me anyway.
Thanks for reading.
