Advice from Aunt Amy

My niece Shayla is one year old, and as I gaze upon her tiny innocent face, I am very worried for her future. One day she will start talking to boys in a more than friendly way, and the thought of her heart being broken breaks my heart even now. I’m also thinking that it’s very possible that I may not be around by the time she is of dating age, so I would like to offer this advice to her now, to be shared with her later in case of my demise. Hopefully this advice from Aunt Amy will help my little Shayla avoid ending up like me, a thirty year old bitter cat lady.

Shayla, Aunt Amy has made a lot of mistakes. I want you to learn from these mistakes. I will try to make it brief for you. Here are the most important things you should know:

1. Be smart, but not too smart.

Guys don’t like a girl with too much going on upstairs. It’s ok to be smart, and I would prefer that you strive to be smart, but just try to not be so smart around the men. Wait until they put that ring on your finger, then you can show them how smart you are. Before that just smile and nod or you can kiss that ring goodbye. That’s why Aunt Amy is single sweetheart; it’s because she’s a genius.

2. Don’t talk too much or have too many opinions.

That’s a major turn-off. Just agree and quote the bible a lot. Guys eat that shit up. Those girls always get married. Decorate yourself and look pretty. Don’t talk or trust me you won’t get a call back. That’s why Aunt Amy is single darling; it’s because she doesn’t know when to shut up.

3. Don’t tell a guy how you feel about him.

There will come a time when you will meet a guy who will make your stomach hurt, your heart ache and your palms sweat. If you tell him about those feelings however, you will never see him again. If you like a guy, just grab his penis. That’s the only thing that men care to understand. That’s why Aunt Amy is single dear; too much feeling sharing and not enough penis grabbing.

4. If a guy only contacts you after midnight, he is never going to make you his girlfriend.

I know what I said about the penis grabbing, but don’t do it after midnight if that’s the only time a guy ever calls. Aunt Amy has made the mistake of confusing lust with love, and it never works out well. He’s not going to make you his girlfriend, because he probably has one at home. That’s why Aunt Amy is single honey; penis grabbing after midnight.

One last piece of advice for you my love, you really shouldn’t take dating advice from 30 year old bitter cat ladies. Love you.